


Perihelion

by Xairathan



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F, High School AU, but not really, none eva with left asurei
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 07:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8970640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xairathan/pseuds/Xairathan
Summary: perihelion: the point in the orbit of a planet, asteroid, or comet at which it is closest to the sun.





	1. Aphelion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [radiogoddess524](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiogoddess524/gifts).



> aphelion: the point in the orbit of a planet, asteroid, or comet at which it is furthest from the sun.

*   *   *

I

*   *   *

It is the end of summer, but the leaves have not yet begun to turn that shade of orange that Asuka likes, and the lake in the park is too warm for Rei to consider dipping her toes in at the edge. It's this kind of heat that drives Asuka from her house, one of dozens that look exactly alike except for the alternating positions of their doors, to any multitude of places. Sometimes she climbs into the forest that stretches beyond her backyard, never going far, never able to find a brook or a lake or anything other than spindly trees that are surrounded by more decaying bark than shade. Something keeps her from going too far into the woods, be it the heat beating down from above or the quiet, never-indulged urge to invite Rei up with her to explore, so that when they discover something it will be new to the both of them.

Instead Asuka wanders out of her neighborhood and its twisting, identical streets, and heads for Rei's house. Rei lives only a few miles away, and yet as Asuka runs the perfect arrays of white and sky-blue houses become a tangled pallet of color, of red brick walls and slate tile roofs and peculiarly colored fences; two of the few disorderly things in Rei's life- those houses, and Asuka.

At the end of one cul-de-sac is the faded pink house where her best friend lives. The paint on the porch has begun to chip, as Asuka knows it does every few years. This house was a creamy white before it was pink, and before that, the same blue as Rei's hair. Asuka doesn't remember the porch ever being blue, but the pictures from their childhood that Rei keeps in her room are evidence enough.

She bounds up the porch with two great strides, taking the stairs two at a time. In the middle of the top step there is a crack, where Asuka remembers Rei fell when she was six and skinned her knee, and where the two of them had sat until Yui, Rei's mother, pulled up in the driveway and found them there. Asuka will never admit that on that day she was the one who nearly cried (she didn't, of course; she's never cried in front of Rei), and Rei the one who sat there, watching the blood on her knee crust over with a calmness unbefitting someone her age.

Asuka's hand connects with the door, rattling it about its frame so loudly that it's a wonder she hasn't broken it down already. She pauses, listening for the sounds of footsteps against the creaky floorboards in the hallway beyond. She hears only the muffled chirping of the birds perched in the surrounding trees. Then, just as her thumb has pressed the doorbell and sounded the familiar three-chime tone, the door opens.

It's not Rei who answers the door, but Yui, smiling at her as if she'd been expecting this visit all along. Of course she has, there hasn't been a week in a dozen summers past where Asuka hasn't come by. "Hello, Asuka."

"Hey." Asuka smiles, shuffling her feet. Yui's the nicest mother anyone could ever ask for, and yet Asuka's always felt awkward around her. No mother, she thinks, can be this pleasant without hiding something, but Yui seems to defy that expectation. Asuka sucks in a breath to ask if Rei is home, wondering if Yui's anticipated that question as well.

Then comes the sound of rusted hinges from deeper within the house, and Rei pokes her head out into the hall. Her blue hair is ruffled and unkempt, and she blinks slowly at the afternoon sun. "Was that Asuka?"

"How'd you know?" Yui asks.

"I just did. Shinji's out, so it couldn't be Kaworu."

Yui smiles and steps aside as Rei runs the length of the hall to hug Asuka, her momentum staggering them both over the threshold. Her arms slip under Asuka's and cling tightly to her back, acting out a reunion that suggests they've been separated for years rather than days. "Good to see you too," Asuka laughs. "You just get up?"

Rei nods, her cheek brushing Asuka's shoulder, and she releases the hug that's been held for just one moment too long. Asuka doesn't mind though; it's Asuka. "Been reading all day," she says. "Come in?"

Yui is already in retreat to the kitchen, leaving Rei to nudge the door shut with her foot and pull Asuka along the length of the hall. Its familiar scent fills Asuka's nostrils: of the flowers that Yui likes to keep around, and of wiped-down floors, a holdover from when Rei's health was at its lowest and that affliction which made her skin pale hung around like a shroud affixed to the house itself, refusing to be removed.

Of course Rei survived, but some part of Asuka (no doubt the one which dictates which nightmares she'll have) seems to have missed the memo despite everything that Asuka knows telling her that yes, Rei is alive and no, someone who is seven years old should not have to lie awake in bed long into the morning, wondering if today is the day when she will lose her best friend, when death will come into her life a second time.

Rei pushes the door to her room aside with her elbow and leads Asuka in, bodies still connected by their hands. It's the little moments like these where Asuka wonders what would happen if one or both of them refused to let go when they've reached their destination. Would it be her, the supposedly braver of them both who does it, or would it be Rei who clings to Asuka with that quiet urgency with which she regards the things she loves?

In all of Asuka's imaginings it is Rei who engages in this, who folds her fingers over Asuka's, compacting an embrace into that single gesture. Reality is a different matter; Asuka has told herself tens of times that it must be her who acts first, that today will be the day she holds on for longer than she should.

Rei's fingers slide out of hers, tugging past her knuckles, and Asuka is shaken from her thoughts. That opportunity is gone, and as Rei walks over to her bed Asuka can only follow, stepping carefully around the little maze Rei has built for herself.

Rei's bed is over against the wall, under the window with its curtains parted to let just the right amount of morning sun inside, another remnant of her sick days. A desk, the only object in Rei's room that's in some visible state of order, sits right next to it. Around the room are scattered seemingly random stacks of books and boxes with even more books, and to Asuka it seems like the room itself is a monument to a future that thankfully never came to be, although Rei has prepared, even resigned herself to it should it come.

Then there's the bookshelf against the opposite wall, sitting between the door and the closet, and the array of trinkets atop it. There amidst the silver sheen of dust are two framed pictures, one of Rei with Asuka and the other with her family; beside those are a series of braided cords knotted at both ends, Asuka's attempts at friendship bracelets. Asuka's never asked why Rei still keeps them- better to let herself imagine, than to hear an answer other than the one she wants.

Rei plops herself lengthwise onto the bed and pats the covers next to her. On the windowsill beside Rei, Asuka sees the book she was reading, lying on its back with a bookmark sticking from the top about halfway through the pages. Rei reaches for it as Asuka climbs into bed next to her, leaning awkwardly against the headboard. Somehow Rei's managed to make it into a sturdy back support; for Asuka, it just digs into her shoulders.

"Why are you here?" Rei asks with the same mildness as if she were asking what Asuka had for breakfast.

"Air conditioner's broken. Dad hasn't had time to fix it yet."

"So you're using me for my air conditioning."

"Pretty much, yes," Asuka laughs and slides down the bed, propping herself up with an elbow. "Ignore me. I just didn't want to..."

She wants to say she didn't want to be alone. She wants to say she wanted to come see Rei.

"To die of heat stroke at such a young age?" Rei's eyes lift from the page she's reading; Asuka sees hidden beneath their red a twinkling of amusement, and her heart jumps excitedly in her chest.

"Yeah, that."

Rei twitches her eyes towards the ceiling, not quite a full roll but enough of one to convey a sense of exasperation. Asuka offers her a smile, one that's just false enough to not be considered innocent, but merely benign. She will hold this smile until Rei looks back down at her book, and then she'll allow her eyes to wander over the cover of the book, another addition to Rei's library, doubtless a piece of realistic fiction with just enough fantasy to keep her engaged. That is how Rei lives, in moments like those described in books, and sometimes Asuka thinks she's catching a glimpse of them.

Like now, when Rei lies with the sun to her back, her edges blurred by a golden light that seems to radiate not from the sky, but from herself. She turns a page, and the glow moves with her. Rei has become a second sun, or perhaps a moon, reflecting the sun's light, and Asuka wonders what would happen if she reached out, touched Rei, perhaps that same light would transfer to herself-

Rei looks up from her book again; the light shimmers, then disperses throughout the room. Asuka checks to ensure that she hasn't moved, wasn't the one who caused this disruption, and no, she wasn't. Rei sets her book aside and this time, Asuka notes, the bookmark has not been placed inside it.

"Are you hungry?" Rei asks. "You walked here. You must be."

"Not really. I ate before I left. Why, are you?"

"A little." A pause. Asuka wonders if Rei is missing that light, or whether she even noticed it was there at all. "Would you like some ice cream, Asuka? It's Rocky Road."

"Thought you didn't like that?"

"I was going to try it, to see why you liked it so much. But mom overheard, so she got me an entire tub of it."

"Amazing. I'll help you finish it, if you're really that desperate."

"It's not that bad," Rei says. "I'll bring it up. We can eat it out of the tub."

"Who are you and what have you done with my- friend," asks Asuka, wondering if Rei will pick up on that nearly imperceptible stutter. Even she doesn't know what she would've said; it sounds like, if she'd allowed herself the opportunity, she might have said _Rei_ instead.

"It's almost the end of summer. We should enjoy it a little."

"Fair enough. I'll just be here... trying not to make a mess out of your neat freak world."

"I'm not a neat freak," Rei sighs as she navigates her self-prescribed pathway to the door. "You're just hopelessly disorganized."

Asuka doesn't reply. She watches Rei slip out the door, leaving it just open enough that a sliver of hallway peeks through the two white pieces of wood. So Rei's not as orderly as she seems. Of course she's not; having known her for so long, this shouldn't surprise Asuka. And yet every single time she manages to, like these little occurrences are parts of Rei that only Asuka will know, for she is the only one who can detect them.

* * *

It seems that Asuka's bought the lie Rei told her, the one about how exactly a container of Rocky Road managed to make it into the freezer. Yes, it was Yui that bought it, but it was Rei who slipped it onto the shopping list in the first place, wedging it in between 'pie crust' and 'paper towels' in cramped little letters that would pass it off as just another eccentricity Yui needed to buy. Yes, Rei had been curious as to how it tasted, but she wanted most of all to be prepared, in case for some reason Asuka's favorite flavor of ice cream was needed. It's the kind of want that pushes her to be closer to Asuka, despite her inherent dislike of close contact, that same dislike that's prompted her to flee to the kitchen.

Here she is, standing with a cold wind blasting into her face, trying to find the ice cream amidst a dozen brown paper packages, all because Asuka Langley Soryu's favorite flavor is Rocky Road and Rei, in spite of all their time together, still gets nervous around her.

Being in love will do that. Combine an aversion to physical intimacy with a crush spanning at least three years, and suddenly being in a room with said crush is a task bordering on the impossible.

Rei takes a deep breath and sticks her hands into the freezer, feeling around for a hard plastic cover. The cold bites her skin, but it's a welcome sensation, something else to feel besides the nervousness compressing her lungs. Someday, she thinks. Someday she'll be able to bear sharing the same space as Asuka (that is of course, assuming Asuka accepts whatever her botched attempt at a confession is).

For now, she'll return to her room with the tub of ice cream and two spoons in hand, before Asuka notices she's been gone too long. She'll think of pausing before entering her room, only to step too heavily on the old flooring and produce a creak audible through the entire hall. And when she opens the door she will smile the smile she gives only to Asuka, the one that says _I love you, I wish you knew, I wish you loved me, too._

* * *

Rei's brow is furrowed as she enters the room, like she's concentrated on not spilling a drop from the container nestled between her hands, only it's ice cream she's carrying and not something that's so easily lost. Then something changes as she crosses the threshold, a softening of her face perhaps, or maybe it's just the light playing across the room, showing Asuka that Rei's been smiling like this all along and she's just reading into things too deeply.

That was Asuka's worry when Rei left: that her arrival has by some means (the same means that clothe Rei in golden glows) turned the silences between them awkward, that Rei's journey to get them ice cream was more a way of finding, for some short moment, a place in which Asuka did not reside.

"Ice cream for breakfast," Rei says, setting the tub on her desk and prying open the lid. "Don't tell mom."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Asuka murmurs in reply, finding to her surprise that the ice cream actually is Rocky Road. Which of course brings the question of why Rei would _have_ Rocky Road in her possession, unless it is as she says and Yui in her overzealous motherliness bought Rei a tub, rather than a small cup.

"Here." Rei extends a spoon in a closed fist. Asuka takes it, careful not to let their fingers touch. She knows Rei is shy to contact, and she doesn't want to consider what might happen should she run her hand along the back of Rei's, a touch too intimate for even the best of friends.

Asuka expects Rei to say something. Rei dips her spoon into the tub, digs out a little scoop of ice cream and chopped peanuts, sticks it into her mouth. Asuka watches this entire process transfixed, forgetting the spoon in her hand, wondering if Rei will perhaps offer her the next spoonful she takes, the closest Asuka will ever receive to an actual kiss.

"Did you not want any, Asuka?" Rei asks. "You don't have to have any if you don't want to."

This is such a Rei thing, to be worried about having trod, intentionally or not, on someone else's desires with the heavy boot of hospitality. The familiarity of it is comforting in its own way, guiding Asuka back to a world where Rei sticks to her habits and doesn't consume large tubs of chocolate-laden ice cream on her bed.

Asuka shakes her head, carving out a large chunk against the edge of the tub and engulfing it whole. Rei takes another scoop, not too big, like she is taking only what is deemed polite and saving the rest for Asuka.

They are silent for a long while, using the ice cream as their excuse, eyes wandering the room and only briefly meeting before looking away, afraid that any prolonged contact will spark some unwanted communication between them.

Rei pitches her spoon into the tub once it's been emptied. Asuka follows suit a minute later, having licked the last traces of ice cream from it, sitting now with her hands folded in her lap, a distinctly un-Asuka-like gesture. It's not, of course, because she's nervous, but because there's a spot of chocolate left on Rei's cheek, standing out against her skin like a solitary tree upon the moon, something that common sense dictates should not be there.

Rei knows Asuka is staring. She tilts her head, the question in her eyes. Asuka is struck by this urge, this stupid, silly urge, to lean across the bed and lick it off her face. Instead Asuka raises a hand and taps the side of her own mouth, right where the ice cream is. Rei's tongue darts out, wipes it away, it's gone. Rei smiles, Asuka smiles. Everything is as it should be, even if Asuka's face is still a little red. With the way things are, Rei will probably think it's something brought on by the summer heat. And for now, though Asuka's chest clenches at the thought of it, she will be fine with that.

* * *

II

* * *

The same entropic force that caused Asuka's air conditioning to break down has come to visit again, this time popping the chain off Rei's bicycle and wedging it between the gear and the frame. Rei's tried to yank it free; when she called Asuka, asking her to come over and see if maybe she could get it loose, it sounded like she was about to pass out from the exertion.

Now Asuka crouches in front of Rei's bike, which she's propped up against an old table that hasn't yet left the Ikari household for some sentimental reason, with a screwdriver lying discarded at her heels and her hands covered in bike grease.

"Don't understand how you got it jammed this bad," Asuka groans. Rei, slumped against the opposite wall, just shrugs. She could almost be a second bike, her chain unwound and needing someone else to come along and fix it, and then she'll be up and going again. "Okay. I'm taking a breather. Any more of this and I'll break my finger."

"If you can't do it, it's fine. I'll fix it somehow."

"Bullshit. School starts in two weeks. If you don't have a bike, what're you gonna do? Wake up at six in the morning and walk?" Asuka scoffs, lies back against the garage floor, the concrete cold against her neck. "We'll get it fixed today."

It's not a question. Rei knows better than to continue. Her eyes disappear behind her eyelids, like she's finally surrendering to this dual-pronged attack of fatigue and summer heat. She won't mind then, Asuka thinks, that she's being stared at; the ground could easily start crumbling beneath Rei but she wouldn't notice, she's in her own world. And oh, what Asuka would give to know whether she was a part of that world or not, even only as a warm ray of sunlight or a solitary bird's chirping, a song just for her, every note of it tailored to be something Rei will love.

"It's almost their six-month anniversary," Rei says, her eyes still shut. "Shinji and Kaworu's. Should I get them something?"

"Get them a room. At this rate, they should get married. I mean, who writes a song to ask someone to prom?"

"Plenty of people do, Asuka."

"A song for the _cello_."

"Well..." A pause. "Maybe just him."

"See? There you go." Asuka drums her fingers silently against the floor, telling herself it's not nerves, she's perfectly fine discussing relationships with Rei.

"Mom asked him to come over for dinner tonight." Rei opens one eye, regards Asuka on the floor. Asuka wonders if Rei's tilting her head that way because the sun's in her face, or because she finds something (not the bike, not the dust-covered fixtures, it'd have to be Asuka) interesting. "You could stay, too."

"And watch them make eyes at each other the entire time? No thanks." Asuka snorts. If she stays, she'll have to acknowledge that Kaworu Nagisa, the one person stranger than Rei, has somehow landed a successful romance before she has. Should she leave, there's only home to return to- no Rei there- and what then? "Only 'cause you asked," she adds, this time quieter.

"Hm." Rei nods, closing her eye again, retreating back into herself. Asuka watches her take one breath, two, a third. She seems like she's waiting for something, though Asuka doesn't know what. Maybe she thinks it's Asuka's turn to ask something, be it something as trivial as an anniversary that will only be remembered once- no one celebrates year-and-a-half anniversaries, as far as Asuka knows. 

"Hey, Rei?" Asuka waits for some acknowledgement, receives it in the form of Rei opening her eye- just the one- again. "Do you like someone?"

Rei opens her other eye and readjusts her back against the wall before answering. "Not really," she says. "Do you, Asuka?"

"You're kidding, right?" Asuka laughs. "You remember last year? When every single guy in our year tried to ask me out?"

"Of course I remember," says Rei. "You turned everyone down. You had to turn down...who was it- Tai?- twice. And then you complained about how you weren't in a relationship for the rest of the semester."

Asuka sits up, her back facing Rei, and she gropes for the screwdriver on the ground. It seems that Rei will not allow her to so easily dismiss those few months of half-hearted complaining, of hoping that Rei would somehow pick up on her subtle yet desperate hints and realize, perhaps, that there could be something more between them, if only she was interested.

"Yeah, well..." Asuka slides the screwdriver in between the gear and the bike- _twist, pull-_ and the chain comes free with a welcome jingling, something to fill the awkward silence that she's left hanging. _I don't like guys_ , she could say. But then that would leave an implication, albeit a correct one, that Asuka prefers girls, and though she knows Rei will not judge her for that, it's still something Asuka doesn't need her considering. "I have very high standards."

Asuka's fingers thread the chain along the gear, stopping every few links to make sure everything is in place. She sits back when this is finished, surveying the bike that now works as it should, pushing the pedal along with her fingers while Rei, still sitting against the wall, watches her.

"Well, that's done," Asuka says. Her voice sounds calm and far too distant, like someone else is saying those words for her. It's because Rei was staring at her, she realizes. Rei could've been watching her the entire time, and for Asuka, the thought of not knowing for certain is somehow worse than if she had simply failed to fix the bike.

Rei nods, but does not get up to inspect the bike for herself. She merely pats the floor beside her, and the invitation is clear. Come here, you don't have to talk, you've done enough, let's just sit.

Asuka drags herself across the floor with her hands and feet until her back touches up against the wall next to Rei. Now that she's finished, she can allow the suffocating warmth blanketing the garage to lull her to sleep. "Can I stay here?" Asuka mumbles.

A soft noise, an affirmative, leaves Rei as she closes her eyes and begins to slide down the wall. Asuka thinks she means to lie down, but then Rei's head contacts her shoulder, and there are soft fingers folding over the back of her hand.

"Hey," Asuka protests, but does not move. Rei's touch is a gift so rarely given that it would be wasteful to do anything but allow it. "Don't do that. I'm all sweaty. There's grease all over my hands, too."

"Don't care." Rei sighs, rubbing the side of her face against Asuka's shirt. The fabric, Asuka thinks, must remind her of a pillow in some way. That she's wearing it has no impact on anything whatsoever.

"That tickles." Asuka tilts her head, resting it atop Rei's. A few strands of blue hair brush against her cheek, and that tickles too. Still she doesn't move. "Rei?"

"Shh." Rei smiles, her weight pressing into Asuka's, relying more on her than the wall for support. Asuka's palm turns beneath her hand, and then there are fingers gliding between hers. For a change, she does not want Asuka to speak; she is content with this silence between them. Her bike is fixed, Asuka is beside her, and in this moment, Rei could want nothing more.

* * *

III

* * *

The woods behind Asuka's house are unexplored, at least by Rei, who despite over a decade of friendship with Asuka can count the times she's been back there on both her hands. There's a reason for this, there always is- winter lays the ground with snow too thick to traverse, the midsummer heat beats down fiercely through the leafless branches, and at all other times Asuka's stepmother is home. Asuka, for some reason Rei does not inquire about, won't bring Rei around when she's there.

Today, though, Asuka's stepmother is away. Asuka didn't elaborate on the wheres and whys when she invited Rei over to her house; even if she had, Rei would have smiled and told her _It's alright, I'll be there as soon as I can,_ and biked over anyway. That's the effect Asuka has, the ability to call Rei out from her room with all its books to walk with her amidst the trees.

"We've never been this far back, have we?" Asuka asks, hopping over a log. Rei is following a short distance behind her, peering over her shoulder every few minutes at the houses and streets below them, which continue to grow smaller every time Rei looks back. "I wonder what's up here. We should really try and explore this place before we graduate. What do you think, Rei?"

Normally Asuka doesn't require responses of Rei; she knows too well that Rei prefers to speak only when necessary, using few words even then. But today seems different, Rei thinks- Asuka is more talkative today, asking things that cannot be so easily answered by a nod or shake of the head.

"I wouldn't mind," Rei says, carefully climbing over the same log. She really wouldn't- she's enjoyed these excursions with Asuka in the past, and that this will be their last year in high school together makes these woods seem much more intriguing. Perhaps they'll find something deeper in that will act, somehow, as a catalyst, keeping them together even once they've graduated. Or maybe in this place, distanced from everybody save Asuka, Rei will find it within herself to confess at last.

That would, she thinks, be ideal.

"I wonder what even lives up here. I've never heard anything at night. There's no tracks, either. Maybe it's just birds and... snakes? Do we have snakes up here?"

"If we do, we won't ever know. They'll hear you coming and slither away."

"Are you telling me to be quiet?" Asuka laughs and grins at Rei, her blue eyes shining in the sunlight like the surface of the ocean, beautiful and inviting. "Nah. You love me too much."

_Yes. I do._ It's the perfect opportunity, if only she would take it. Rei stares at Asuka, her lips parted slightly, the air between them perfectly still. She could say it, Asuka could accept it, but what if she didn't? Would it seem too desperate to admit it now, would Asuka even believe her?

"Just messing with you, Rei," Asuka says, turning and continuing further into the forest. "If you wanted me to shut up, you would've said so by now."

And Rei thinks, _No, I wouldn't have, I can't even tell you I love you._

* * *

Rei is quieter today, despite all of Asuka's attempts to engage her. Asuka sighs, the sound barely heard above the crunching of leaves underfoot. It seems to her that even with Rei's love of fantasy books, Rei will only ever truly be comfortable in her room, distanced from the setting, regardless of whether Asuka is there or not (of course Asuka would have no impact on that; they are best friends, and nothing more).

The first time they came up here together it was spring- Asuka's mother Kyoko was still alive, Rei was seven and Asuka was six; their mothers were with them, lifting them over rotted stumps and fallen branches; the trees were covered in leaves and little buds that would one day become seeds, and the world had seemed perfect.

Nothing in Asuka's life has since captured that perfection, although when she's with Rei, it seems within reach. Asuka looks back again, watches Rei slowly climb her way up a series of large stones that could almost be a set of steps, but are more likely the last remains of a small stream.

She almost wants to stop Rei and say, _Hey, if you really want to go back, we can_ , but then what? Even if Rei accepted her offer, what would she have to say on the walk down? It would, without a doubt, be another one of those moments that Asuka would never be able to fully puzzle out, like that moment in Rei's garage the week earlier (the instant Rei's fingers folded over hers replays endlessly in her memory, and Asuka hasn't yet decided what it means).

"Asuka?" Rei has reached the top of the stones, and now she stares with her head canted to one side, surveying Asuka with that same expression she's worn for the entire hike. Asuka wonders if Rei has even once smiled up in these woods.

"Sorry. I was thinking," Asuka says, and walks on.

She says that a lot to Rei, that she's sorry. Someday, Asuka thinks, her feelings will get the best of her and she'll reveal, by accident, the extent of her love; Rei will stare at her, her expression no longer neutral, and all Asuka will have to say is _sorry_. It would be more like a break-up for a relationship that never began, rather than the disintegration of a friendship, and Asuka would go on hoping that one day Rei can find someone who will love her more than she ever could. 

From the slope behind Asuka there comes a sound, the snapping of brush. Asuka turns in time to see Rei fall from view, a groove roughly the size of her foot carved from the dirt where she'd been standing. Asuka is by her side before the dust stops trickling from that groove, extending a hand, but Rei is already sitting up and brushing herself off. "I'm fine," she says, answering Asuka's question before she's even vocalized it. "Just slipped."

Rei picks herself up from the ground, swiping at the dirt still clinging to her arms and the back of her clothes. She's gotten most of it, save for the few bits she can't see, still stuck to the shirt between her shoulders. Asuka reaches out, her fingertips brushing the dirt away, and Rei turns her head with such suddenness that Asuka can't help but jerk back.

"Sorry," Asuka mutters; that word again. "You missed some."

Rei hesitates before answering, pale fingers creeping over her shoulder to check that yes, Asuka really has gotten all the dirt off. Or perhaps they are rubbing Asuka's touch away; that seems the more likely possibility. Asuka watches with growing discomfort, her eyes wandering to the branches above, anything that'll distract her from Rei. She's forgotten, somehow, Rei's aversion to being touched, as if being up among the trees wasn't discomfiting enough for her.

"Thank you," Rei says at last, and stands with her arms dangling at her sides, seemingly waiting for something. Waiting, perhaps, for Asuka to say they can return now, that they've gone far enough, or otherwise for her to take the lead.

"We don't have to keep going," Asuka says, eyes still fixed to the tops of the trees. She can see, through the maze of protruding branches, the sky and the clouds drifting across it, and again she finds herself reminded of Rei. Everything, she thinks, is starting to remind her of Rei.

Something brushes Asuka's wrist, and Rei's soft voice is closer than before. "Asuka? I don't mind."

"You sure?" Asuka asks, and Rei nods decisively, the feeling of her fingers slipping away from Asuka's more like a tug than a parting.

Asuka imagines taking that first step back up the slope, the ground giving way below her. She would fall, arms flailing to the sides in a failed attempt to balance her, and then Rei would catch her, or they would both fall backwards into a heap; Asuka would laugh and that, their one moment of prolonged contact as they lay in the dirt together, would tell Rei everything Asuka wanted her to know, no apologies necessary.

She walks forward, putting more weight on her foot than she normally would, and pauses. There is no crumbling of the earth beneath it. Nothing happens, only a cloud sailing lazily in front of the sun, its shadow passing briefly over Asuka and Rei both, before continuing on its way.

* * *

It seems to Rei that for whatever reason, she wants to continue this hike more than Asuka does. Her desire to confess to Asuka no doubt plays some part in this, or maybe it's the idea of being distanced from everybody she knows except Asuka, whose presence seems, in this moment, as constant as the sun's.

Up ahead, Asuka has stopped at a tree that is more a trunk than anything else, charred black nearly down to the roots. "Wonder if lightning hit it," she mutters, walking a circle around it. "Hey Rei, think we can climb a tree up here? I've always wanted to."

"If we find one that can support us." Rei lifts her head, surveying the trees around them. These trees, unlike the ones downhill, do not rustle every time the wind blows; their branches are bare, like they opted to skip the other three seasons and live in a perpetual state of winter. "If one of us is hurt up here, it's a long way back."

"I was just-" Asuka begins, but she stops when she loops around the trunk and Rei is there, one hand pressed against the back, blocking her path.

"I know. I worry too much." Rei smiles gently, carefully; she mustn't let it seem like she is _too_ concerned for Asuka- that's the fastest way to get her to do something reckless, if only in the name of proving someone wrong. "We can do it when we come back up here another time. Anyways, it's getting hot."

There's a flickering in Asuka's eyes, fleeting and gone too quickly for Rei to read. She nods, her feet shifting on the soil as if, despite her earlier suggestion, she has forgotten which direction is back and wishes only to travel deeper into the forest, if only Rei will allow her to.

Asuka starts past Rei, navigating the slope with slow, heavy steps. She does not look back, though she stops several meters away, waiting patiently. If she is going the wrong way, she trusts that Rei will tell her- but Rei remains silent, and Asuka resumes walking a moment later.

Rei follows after her, though her eyes watch not Asuka, but the trail of footprints leading in what she believes is the direction of home. It matters little to her whether Asuka is getting them lost; the longer they stay up here among the trees, the more time Rei will have to try to formulate some form of confession. It will be heartfelt; she will convey to Asuka, in one sentence (two at the most), how long she has wished for Asuka to know how she's felt.

And if Asuka should not return those feelings, well- life will continue. They will hopefully remain friends, and part on good terms at the end of the next summer, and perhaps one day in the far future Rei will remember their hike, this feeling of her stomach falling out from under her, this mixture of foolishness and mindless bravery that makes her want to run in front of Asuka, _now_ , and tell her everything.

Her footsteps quicken, bringing her even with Asuka, the pair of them navigating the downward slope without a single pause. The air is in her lungs, ready to be released into the air in a stumbling, incoherent jumble. Rei lifts her eyes to Asuka's face, and her breath catches.

There on Asuka's face, flickering under the passing shadows of the trees, is a smile that Rei at first wonders is even there. Rei's steps slow as she realizes that yes, it is; Asuka is smiling, and it is a genuine one, not like the ones she so readily produces for the boys in school. Here in the tangle of trees and dried brush, Asuka has finally let her guard down, and that smile stays on her face as her eyes dart over to Rei, who has fallen behind.

"What is it?" Asuka asks, and her voice, like her smile, is soft.

It is the opportunity Rei has been hoping for, a second chance. But Asuka is happy in this moment, Rei thinks, and it would be beyond selfish to take that from her when she could just as easily confess later.

"It's nothing." Rei smiles back, the lines around her eyes filled with fondness for Asuka. Asuka hesitates, nods once, and starts down the slope again, Rei following close behind her. She will not, Rei thinks, regret having missed this chance. There will be more in the future, and even if she must wait days, or even weeks, Asuka's smile will have been worth it.


	2. Penumbra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> penumbra: the shadow cast by the earth or moon over an area experiencing a partial eclipse.

* * *

I

* * *

Asuka hasn't been answering her phone, neither calls nor texts.

It's the second week of their senior year, and it seems like none of it has registered with Asuka at all. She hasn't been talking at lunch, not yelling at Kaworu when he kisses Shinji in the hall, and it worries Rei. Asuka's been keeping up appearances, as her pride insists she do, but still Rei has noticed.

She slows her bike to a stop in front of Asuka's house and frowns. Even from the curb she can hear the music issuing from Asuka's room; in the lit windows to the other side of the door, where the living room is, are the shadows of Asuka's parents, circling each other like sharks.

Rei lifts her bike, carrying it across the lawn. She pauses to open the gate to Asuka's backyard; it squeaks loudly as she pushes past it, wheeling her bike in and leaning it up against the side of the house.

There is light shining from Asuka's window, illuminating the little stone pathway that used to lead to Kyoko's garden. The garden has long since been overrun with weeds and rocks kicked over the broken little fence around it, but the path remains. Rei walks up to Asuka's window, her eyes surveying the stones, one of the few things she remembers from her childhood visits to this house. One in particular catches her eye, a grey slab of stone (Rei thinks it might be shale) where Asuka tried to chip their names into it with another rock, and failed.

The music slows, stops. Despite the sudden silence, Rei thinks she can hear something, voices perhaps, in the background, before the music resumes louder than ever. She can't make out the lyrics, but they sound different, no doubt in a language that she couldn't understand even if she could hear what they were saying.

Rei raises a hand and knocks on Asuka's window, trying to make herself heard. She imagines that for a moment the sound assailing her ears lessens, and then there is she sound of stumbling before Asuka appears in the window. Rei waves, then taps on the glass as Asuka throws her arms up into the air, unknowingly mimicking the motions her parents had made.

Asuka rolls her eyes, but she heaves the window open and reaches down to help Rei climb through it. "What're you doing here?" she asks, nearly shouting.

"You haven't been answering my texts all week," Rei says, looking around Asuka's room. It's changed in the years she hasn't visited: instead of the room she remembers (bed up against one wall, desk opposite that, posters on the walls), this room is a tangle of half-hearted efforts. Asuka's schoolbag dangles precariously from a chair next to her desk, covered with homework she means to do but never finds time to until 11 pm; the only things that look attended to are the exceptionally clean light blue curtains draped beside Asuka's windows, dancing softly in the breeze.

Asuka retreats across the room, throwing herself onto her bed beside her desk. Rei looks down, picking her way through the clutter of books and jackets strewn everywhere. "I've been busy," Asuka says, her voice muffled by the pillow she's slung across her face. Rei barely hears it over the music; she too hops onto Asuka's bed, perching carefully on the edge, so she will not take up too much of Asuka's space.

"All week?" she asks, peering down at her friend. When Asuka does not reply, or perhaps speaks too softly to be heard, Rei leans over and grabs the pillow from her. "Asuka?" Asuka nods, her jaw set in a hard line, though in her eyes Rei can see a plea not to ask anything more. Rei shrugs and releases the pillow- Asuka has answered her, and though it's not entirely truthful, it will satisfy her for now. "And the music?"

This time Asuka twitches visibly; a narrowing of the eyes, a hunching of her shoulders. Her eyes dart over to the speakers she's placed on top of her one bookshelf, its contents covered with a thin layer of dust, one shelf burdened near the point of collapse. For a moment Rei thinks Asuka will not tell her anything about this- and that would be fine- but then Asuka stands, moving over to the speakers, and yanks her phone out from the socket.

The music dies with a short crackling of static. Asuka tosses her phone back onto her bed, following it herself. "Listen," she mutters, and her voice is so low and tired that it doesn't sound like it is Asuka speaking, but someone else.

Rei tilts her head, confused, but she obeys. For a long moment she hears nothing, ears straining for whatever it is that Asuka wants her to listen for. And then she understands: the voices from before were not some remnant from Asuka's music, but echoes from two rooms over, where the unintelligible shouting of Asuka's parents can be heard.

Asuka has reclined on the bed, her fingers playing nervously with the sheets. She gazes at the ceiling, waiting for Rei to say something, her face tense and drawn. Rei is struck with this sudden urge to reach over and place her hand atop Asuka's, if only because this might comfort her far beyond anything she would have to say. Instead she scoots over until her shoulder bumps with Asuka's and whispers, "All week?"

"All week," Asuka replies, and there's not even a hint of fire in her- just resignation. "Tonight's the worst yet."

"Yet?"

"It's been on and off for months. They fight over everything now. Probably 'cause I'm going to be leaving this shithole soon." Asuka snorts, her hands clutching the sheets with an intensity so fierce and sudden that Rei thinks Asuka's going to hurt herself. "'Cause my stepmom can't stop being an overbearing, controlling bitch for one fucking day. It... it didn't use to be this bad."

"I'm... sorry," Rei says. It's all she can say: Asuka loathes it when others pity her, even if that other is Rei. Her arms brush something warm and soft; Rei has, without realizing it, pulled Asuka into a hug. Asuka tenses beneath her, shoulders stiffening. Of course; it would make sense, after everything Rei's seen tonight, that what Asuka needs is not to be contained, but to be allowed to express herself.

Rei, on the verge of moving away, finds herself stopped by a hand on her arm. Its grip is crushing, bordering on painful, but in the next moment it's gone and Asuka's body collides with hers; a pair of arms are flung around her shoulders, and Asuka presses her face against Rei's shirt, breathing heavily.

Now Rei is the one taken aback by this sudden gesture, the one frozen with uncertainty. Asuka has not let go. She needs this, Rei realizes, just as much as she herself does, this gentle embrace that's somehow calming despite its urgency. Worried for Asuka as she is, this hug makes it bearable.

In the quiet that settles over them, they can still hear Asuka's parents fighting. "It sticks," Asuka mutters. "What they do. It sticks to everything in this damn house. The kitchen counter doesn't look the same after you see someone slamming their fist against it every night." Asuka turns her head, settling it on Rei's shoulder, her voice drowning out the others, if only temporarily. "I get it if you don't wanna stay, Rei. I don't know how I put up with it myself."

"Asuka?" Rei whispers. "If you really want, you can come stay with me. Mom won't mind. You'll just have to put up with Shinji."

"What, I don't do that already?" Asuka looks up, a hint of her laugh shining through her blue eyes before vanishing; Rei sees it disappear, suffocated by a frustration that over time has simmered down into a feeble attempt at anger. "Nah. Don't need to give her another reason to start screaming about shit. I've put up with her for what, ten years and going? A few more months won't kill me. But... thanks."

"Well, I'm not going to leave."

"I don't have a sleeping bag." Asuka sounds surprised, both that Rei is staying and that she hasn't thought of this arrangement before. But of course she wouldn't have; Rei hasn't come over since they were little and could still fit in the same bed, and there's been no need for a sleeping bag since. "H-here." Asuka's arms slide away, and she hops off the bed. "You take it. I'll-"

"You live here," Rei says almost immediately. "You should sleep on the bed."

Asuka stands framed against the window, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Rei expects her to disagree; it's in Asuka's nature, and tonight it might give her some measure of control, something she can hold on to despite the chaos around her. But she just nods, looking more defeated than anything else. "We'll share. But it's a bit small."

"That's fine." Rei nods and moves over, one half of her body practically dangling off the bed. Asuka climbs in, tugging the sheets over them both, and from up close Rei thinks she looks thoroughly resigned. Like Rei could suggest anything she wanted, and Asuka would agree. "I'll leave early tomorrow and go home," Rei says. "So my mom doesn't worry about me."

"Okay." There it is again, that fatigue in Asuka's voice. "Thank you for telling me."

"You know..." Rei sucks in a breath. "You know I wouldn't leave unless I had to."

"I know."

"Asuka..."

She wants to say something, but what does one say to someone whose response will only be to say yes? Rei sighs and curls up on her side of the bed, her feet sticking out from under the sheets. She kicks her shoes off and they land neatly beside Asuka's desk, one atop the other. "Good night, Asuka," she murmurs, turning her head to the side, but Asuka is facing away. This too, somehow, makes sense.

"Okay," Asuka replies, her voice small and tired. "Good night, Rei."

It seems like there is something else to be said, but Rei cannot find it. She wonders, until the warmth from the covers seeps beneath her skin- Asuka's warmth?- and lulls her to sleep.

* * *

Asuka can't sleep. She can't, not with Rei beside her, not with her parents still going on, not in the living room; no, they've moved on to somewhere else, probably the kitchen or the front hall, where one of them will have grabbed their jacket and slung it on, plainly threatening to leave the house and Asuka behind (it's never the other, it's always _Asuka_ that's the problem). But of course they'll be back together in the kitchen the morning after, mildly eating their toast and pretending nothing had happened the night before.

Asuka turns over, the springs creaking beneath her, and stares at Rei. She's fallen asleep despite the shouting- how she did it, Asuka wishes she knew- and her heart starts beating a little faster. It's pitiful actually, how much she wished that Rei would suggest they share the bed, how much she needed Rei to comfort her when before Rei arrived, she was doing just fine.

It's struck her, multiple times in fact, on how this could quite possibly border on inappropriate. She's already locked her door, she did that when the fighting started, but there's something different about sharing a bed with Rei now, probably because she's in love. Yes, that has to be it. But Rei looks peaceful, and she's stayed in spite of everything, so really- how bad can it be?

Rei is here.

Again, Asuka's heart beats a little faster. Rei is here.

The fighting is getting louder again, coming through the hall; her father, Asuka imagines, now stands in the doorway of his bedroom, shouting down the hall while her stepmother will wait in the living room for him to fall asleep, or barring that, fall asleep herself on the couch.

In the morning Asuka will wake up and drag herself to school on five hours of sleep at best, but for now, Rei is here. Asuka scoots closer, pulling her feet onto the bed. At last the yelling has subsided, and now all Asuka hears is Rei's breathing, slow and peaceful. An urge strikes her, a desire to curl up against Rei and hold her between her arms- but would that be crossing a line?

It might be. Rei has expressed her aversion to being touched, but then what was that hug from before? Maybe tonight is an exception. Maybe Rei's changed her mind.

One arm then, Asuka decides. One arm, so that Rei can still leave when she needs to, so that Asuka can say she must've rolled over in her sleep, she's sorry, they'll move on from there. Asuka moves over, the space between them almost negligible, and extends an arm to drape it over Rei's shoulders. Rei sighs; her lips twitch, but she does not wake. Asuka won't have to explain why she decided to do that, their friendship will not be at risk of fragmenting; it is the one thing gone right, and now Asuka can rest.

* * *

Rei wakes early, roused by the sun shining through Asuka's window and into her eyes. There's a heaviness to her body that wasn't there the night before; she sits up, and is surprised when Asuka's arm slides down her side to land in the space between them. Rei realizes, looking at the still-sleeping Asuka, that she had no plan when she climbed in through that window; what if Asuka's parents had come in, or what if she hadn't been woken by the sun?

Rei's eyes wander across the room, eerily still in the morning light. Little motes of dust float around the room, catching and reflecting the sun. It seems that even Asuka's room wants her to stay, if even for a little longer, so it won't be as empty, so there'll be one more presence filling the place.

Rei slides off the bed and wanders over to where her shoes lie by Asuka's desk. Paper shifts beneath her fingers when she goes to steady herself against it, and she stops in the middle of picking up one shoe.

Of course the desk is different; it would be ludicrous to expect that after so many years, Asuka would keep it the same. But there is something there, Rei thinks, waiting to be found, if only she can puzzle it out.

Her gaze skates across the desk, slowly taking everything in. There's an empty tissue box on the edge of the desk, leaning up against the wall; Asuka's homework is scattered all around, done in her usual scrawl of messy writing (messier than usual, this time?); beneath those, stacked in haphazard piles and seemingly shoved away to be forgotten, are college applications. Rei doesn't recognize any of the names, but to her they evoke a sense of a place far from here, one much quieter. Somewhere, Rei thinks, her stomach twisting, where Asuka can find happiness.

Rei slips into her shoes without further delay, stepping carefully between the piles on the floor. She wishes she could stay longer, help Asuka organize her things into some form of order, but she needs to go.

Asuka's shifts in her sleep, her arm forming a half-circle on the bed. Rei imagines going and laying on it, but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be Rei and Asuka, just Rei.

Rei walks over to Asuka's side and leans over, watching her for a moment. She reaches down, pulling back the hair that's fallen over Asuka's face in her sleep and tucking it behind her ear. She drags the covers up the bed, tucks them around Asuka's shoulders, and stands back. It isn't anything like how Kyoko would've done it, but it'll do.

She needs to go. Rei climbs out the window, reaching up to close it once she's outside, but stopping. She stands, for a moment, with the toes of her shoes in the dew-covered grass growing just under Asuka's window, and thinks. It's fairly early in the morning, and school won't be starting that soon. There's still time for one last thing to be done.

Rei will not confess to Asuka; not now, Asuka doesn't need another uncertainty in her life. What she needs is for someone to be there, and Rei is determined that someone will be.

Yes, Asuka will wake up alone, but when she does she will find on her desk a cup of coffee from the bakery down the street, still warm, like she'd once mentioned to Rei in passing- two creams, four sugars.

And she'll think, Rei is still here.

* * *

II

* * *

Through some measure of serendipity, Rei and Asuka have found their way into Asuka's backyard again. They've taken a different path, following the level ground below the ridge they climbed the time before. Asuka's stepmother is gone again (Asuka won't say where, just that she's 'out'); she'll be back before dinner, but it's still afternoon and the clouds are covering the sun, making the heat bearable.

Rei trudges along behind Asuka, leaves and dried twigs crunching beneath her shoes. Asuka's been doing better since that night Rei climbed through her window, but she's still quieter, and every few minutes she kicks at something in the dirt, sending pebbles and sticks tumbling along the path.

As always, there's something to be said. Rei just doesn't know what. She nudges a clump of dirt that Asuka's dislodged with one of her kicks, and it falls apart at her touch. She worries that Asuka might do the same, one day.

The path forks ahead again, though not so much a fork as a divide made by a fallen tree, its trunk nearly half as tall as Asuka. Rei walks around it with Asuka, and together they stare at the inside, a mass of holes and tunnels no doubt carved out by insects. "Huh," Asuka says, bobbing her head like this fallen, desiccated tree has told her something profound. Maybe it has, Rei thinks, watching Asuka shuffle her feet in the dirt.

Now's a good time to speak. Asuka is beside her rather than ahead, and this way she can see how Asuka reacts.

"How are your classes?" Rei asks. That should be a safe topic- no mention of home, not yet, something to thaw out their silence.

"You should know," Asuka says, beginning to walk around the tree. "You're in half of them."

"Well, tell me about the other half."

Asuka laughs, soft and gentle; she turns back to look at Rei, and the sun glimmers off her eyes. "They're normal. What did you expect?"

"I don't know. Maybe a pop quiz on the first day, or something like that. Those kinds of things happen around you."

"Then you're lucky you're not in more classes with me." Asuka stops at the other end of the tree, prodding one of the branches with her finger. "I wonder how long this thing's been lying here. Probably longer than I've been alive." A bitter frown works its way cross her face, disappearing beneath another exasperated sigh. "Wish we could've come up here more."

_You couldn't control that,_ Rei wants to say, _it's not your fault_. But Asuka will only take those words as evidence of her perceived failures, so Rei stays quiet, up until Asuka stumbles over a branch obscured by leaves and starts to topple forward. Rei reaches for Asuka, catches her by the elbow and steadies her. "Be careful."

"I know, I'm fine." Asuka's eyes dart to the hand upon her arm, but a moment later she looks away, her gaze following the slow rise of the forest into the distance. "Come on, let's keep going. She's not gonna be back for a while."

"Alright," Rei says, and releases Asuka. She would like to keep holding on, to feel Asuka's warmth against her hand for even just a moment longer, but in some strange reversal Asuka is the one who's been avoiding contact, and Rei can accept this.

Asuka walks on, navigating between the trees. These ones have some green on them, little needle-like leaves in their last weeks of life; they cling to Asuka's clothing as she brushes up against them, their points digging through the fabric and into her skin.

She leads Rei up what turns out to be a hill, not quite the highest point in the forest, but high enough to see the city sprawled out beneath them, roads and houses and buildings stretching to the horizon, and far beyond that.

Asuka leans up against a tree with a trunk so big that, Rei thinks, if she and Asuka each reached around it from one end, they wouldn't be able to touch each other. Asuka pats her hand against it, looking up into the branches. "This one looks climbable," she says. "Can I?"

Rei pauses, taken aback; why is Asuka asking her for permission, when this is her backyard, her idea? "Do you think you can make it down?"

"Yeah. Not a problem." Asuka swings her arms, hops up on the lowest branch, and begins to climb upward. "Come on, Rei. It'll be great up there."

"I don't think it's a good idea-"

"Rei..." Rei expects Asuka to roll her eyes, chide her for being too afraid, but instead what leaves her is a quiet, "Please?"

Rei shrugs, hoisting herself into the branches with both arms and a leg propped against the trunk. She follows Asuka up the tree, the two of them navigating the maze of leaves with purpose, though most of it comes from Asuka. Rei is merely mimicking her, pausing when Asuka does, stepping where she steps. Rei's hands linger on the bark where Asuka's hands have been as she waits for Asuka's next move, a little hop between two branches or the careful gripping of a knob on the trunk, and if this was all that Rei would receive, the remnants of Asuka's touch, she will be content.

Then there's a cracking sound from above; Asuka's feet wobble just below Rei's eye level, and something plummets down past Rei's face on its way to the ground some thirty feet below. Rei looks up, her eyes wide. Asuka is looking down at her, a shaky smile on her face. "Guess we should stop here," she says. "The tree doesn't want me going any higher."

Rei returns Asuka's smile and begins to take the first step down, but Asuka's voice stops her. "Where are you going?"

"Climbing down."

"Sit up here for a while. It's nice." Asuka carefully lowers herself onto the branch, its width more than enough to accommodate her, and shuffles out a little ways from the trunk. She pats the space beside her, and from the way her eyes shine in the sun Rei knows Asuka wants her to climb up beside her.

"Are you sure it'll hold us?"

"You're kidding, right? This thing could hold you, me, Shinji, and Kaworu, if we could all fit up here. It's just for a little bit. Come on."

It would be reckless of Rei to climb up beside Asuka, but that's just what she does, planting one foot against the trunk and reaching for the branch. Asuka's hands grip hers instead, and haul her up with a single motion.

"Thanks," Rei says, strangely unable to meet Asuka's eyes. She feels that if she does, she won't be able to look away, and all her quietly kept secrets will spill out for Asuka to see.

"No problem," Asuka releases one of Rei's hands, but seems to keep hold of the other. It takes Rei a moment to look down and realize that Asuka, in fact, is not holding her hand, but rather that the space they're sitting on is too small to fully seat them both. True, the branch extends further, but if this is what Asuka wants, to be cramped into a tiny, self-defined space where they can't rest without their hands touching, Rei will not say anything about it.

"You know there's a bet going around to see which of the guys can hug me first?" Asuka says. She laughs, her feet kicking at the air like one might kick at water from a poolside. The branch stays motionless, leaves rustling in the wind. "We should make a bet, too. Like how many of them I'll have to throw over my shoulder before they get the hint."

"I have the feeling it'll be more than the number of guys in our year."

"Think they'll get the juniors in on it, too? They wouldn't dare."

"I think someone might try more than once. One of the guys who keep bothering you, probably... Tai might."

"Then it's his funeral." Asuka's hand shifts atop Rei's, fingers slipping between hers, nails digging just slightly into the soft bark. Rei imagines Asuka squeezing, carving out five small lines in a portion of the tree no one but they will ever see, a sign that says 'Asuka and Rei were here' in the language of affection. That won't happen, but she can pretend it did, go back down the hill and say to herself that there is a tree in the forest behind Asuka's house that they've claimed as their own.

"You didn't wake me up when you left." Now Asuka looks at Rei, and her expression is troubled. "You know, that night you came over? Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I... you needed your sleep."

"But the sunrise," Asuka protests, and Rei understands at last what Asuka is trying to say. She's speaking of Rei's inexplicable love of sunrises and sunsets, those once a day occurrences that, despite their similar natures, never fail to be unique. It's one of their unspoken traditions; when they're together, and the sun is near the horizon, they will watch it rise or fall, and Rei will smile that rare smile of hers, something for only the sun and Asuka to see.

"I didn't want to wake you up, after all that. Anyway, the sun was already up."

Doubt flickers across Asuka's gaze. If they were together, now would be when Rei leans across the branch to kiss the bridge of Asuka's nose and reassure her; _I love you, don't worry about me, it's fine._

Only, they're not together, not in that sense. They're just sitting on a tree branch, hands intertwined, overlooking their city being slowly consumed by the golden glare of the sun.

"I wish we could stay up here," Asuka mutters, her feet slowing, stopping. "I wish we could stay here forever. I don't wanna go back."

"I could stay again. Call mom and tell her. I don't think she'd mind."

"Your bike's in the garage. _She'll_ see it when she gets back."

"Oh," Rei says. Asuka squeezes her hand, an actual, physical pressure against Rei's palm.

"Anyways, I have shit to do. Homework. College apps. Soundproofing my room."

"Asuka-"

"Not that last one."

"I wasn't going to say anything about that. I just wanted you to know that... you can come over if you need to." Rei's eyes follow the pained shaking of Asuka's head, and she feels the pressure on her hand double.

"I'll think about it," Asuka says. Then her shoulders hunch and her hand is slipping away from Rei's; she stands, carefully stepping around Rei and grabbing on to the trunk, and points at the ground below. "Let's go. Before she gets back."

Rei lets Asuka lead them down, the branches rattling under their feet as they descend. The sun has begun its final progression down the sky by the time they touch down on solid earth, and Asuka's beginning to trudge ahead when Rei reaches for her, grabbing the sleeve of her jacket. "Wait," she says.

"Rei-" Asuka begins to protests, but stops, following Rei's finger as it points to something in the distance.

There's nothing out there, not to Asuka's eyes, only the blinding glint from the sun and the occasional reflection of a car on a street. Then, tucked under the shadows of some trees, so distant that they might as well be reflections themselves, Asuka sees them- the first of the streetlights beginning to turn on, casting pale white circles on the concrete where no one can yet see them.

"Alright." Rei smiles up at Asuka. "Now we can go."

"Hold on," Asuka says, eyes scanning the horizon. Rei has shown her the streetlights, but now she wants to find her own, a little white ball of radiance that'll wink at her from a street corner or an empty sidewalk. She squints her eyes against the sunlight, looking until she knows that waiting any longer will cause them to be late.

As Asuka starts to hurry down the slope, she wonders why Rei hadn't said anything, hadn't pulled her along to try and get her to move. It couldn't be that Rei was trying to help her look, or perhaps she knew that Asuka was searching for something, and shouldn't be interrupted. Asuka looks back at Rei, the sunlight spilling off her skin and shining in her hair, and her breath stops in her throat. Rei, it seems, is what she was looking for all along.

* * *

III

* * *

There is music in Rei's ears. It's coming from her phone, perched on the nightstand beside her; her hand feels its way across the wooden surface, finds the phone, and reels it in. Rei struggles to open her eyelids, weighed down by an overwhelming desire to ignore the sound of her phone's alarm and go back to sleep.

One problem- this isn't Rei's alarm. Rei manages to open one eye and scrunches it up at the screen, struggling to make sense of it. The display tells her it's 4 AM on a Saturday. Below that, in all capitals (of course, she deserves nothing less), is Asuka's name.

Rei blinks. She opens her other eye, blinks again. By the time she's realized that this is _Asuka_ calling rather than some alarm, the phone is on its last of five rings. She hurries to answer, fumbling with the lock on her phone, and speaks with an urgency that she doesn't hear, but rather feels- a rapid pounding in her chest. "Hello? Asuka?"

Silence. Rei moves the phone away from her ear and looks down; the screen tells her the call has connected, but Rei can't make anything out. Maybe she's just missed Asuka, she thinks, or maybe this isn't Asuka calling at all, but some combination of her phone falling off the bed and landing just the right way- what would the odds of that be?

Then Asuka's voice issues from the phone, still clasped between Rei's hands, and Rei almost misses it. "Oh, hey. You're up," Asuka says. She sounds strange, but it's probably the phone distorting her voice; never mind that it's four in the morning and neither of them should be awake.

"I just got up. I thought it was an alarm. You calling me." Rei frowns and rubs her eyes, turns her head to look outside. It's still dark, save for the light from a single window across the street. "Asuka?"

"Go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up."

"Asuka-"

"It's nothing."

"Asuka. There has to be a reason you called me."

Another pause, a long one. Rei holds the phone closer to her ear, and through it she's almost certain she can hear Asuka breathing hard. "Look," Asuka says. "I just called you to tell you I'm fine."

"Why wouldn't you be?" Rei asks, and she regrets this immediately. There are a multitude of reasons Asuka would not be fine, and she can probably guess the biggest one. "Do you need to come over?"

"Didn't I just say I was fine?" Asuka makes a noise, a strangled sort of laugh that sounds more like the beginnings of tears. "They wouldn't stop, Rei. I had to leave."

"Leave..."

"They probably don't know I'm gone. I just need to clear my head, or something-"

"Tell me where you are." It's not a request, and it doesn't sound like one. Rei sits up, hops off her bed and walks over to her closet. "Asuka?"

"Don't bother, Rei. Go back to sleep. I said I'll be fine."

"Asuka, where are you? I'll go to you."

"Rei-"

"No. I'm not leaving you alone. Tell me where you are, or I'll go out there and find you myself."

There's a crackling over the phone, too gentle to be static; it might be Asuka trying to laugh again. "Okay," she says. "Fine. I'm at the park. The one like... four miles from my place. The one we used to play in all the time? You remember that one?"

"I do." That park would be hard to forget; it rests in her memory as one of the better parts of her childhood, one not riddled with illness or loss, when she and Asuka and sometimes Shinji would go there at first to play, then simply to be there longer with each other.

Rei grabs a sweatshirt and pulls it over her shoulders, exchanges her sweatpants for a pair of jeans. "You stay there, okay?" she tells Asuka. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Okay," Rei hears Asuka say, and goes to hang up. Then Asuka says, "Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"I'll be there," Rei says again, and tucks the phone into her pocket. She trusts Asuka to end the call; meanwhile, she will have to sneak into the garage, retrieve her bicycle, and leave without being heard. An easy task, if a needlessly complicated one. But Rei will do it, she won't be caught, and she will get to Asuka. There is nothing in this world that can stop her from doing so.

* * *

They wouldn't stop yelling. That's what Asuka remembers, the yelling; not what it was about or what started it in the first place. Just the argument, stretching for far longer than the previous ones; her father's fist thumping the walls; the rumbling of something, furniture or perhaps even solid, crystallized rage, permeating the foundation of the house itself.

She recalls, in a haze of music battering at her ears to drown out the shouting, looking out the window of her bedroom and realizing it would be so much quieter if she could just go outside. And once she'd opened her window and let the cold air in, there was no going back; she'd pulled on the torn pair of sneakers kept beneath her bed and wedged herself through the window (not at all graceful, like Rei had been), clawing her way out into the silence.

She'd stood there, the untied laces of her shoes drooping in the damp earth, thoroughly confused. They were still shouting in the house behind her, the music she'd been playing was no longer there to drown them out- she'd turned off the speakers before she went through the window.

Asuka, seated on a bench at the far end of the park, laughs. She leans over, rests her elbows on her thighs, and places her head in her hands. In the silence that ensued, what had she been supposed to do? She hadn't thought of that.

So she'd started walking. She walked until the rows of identical houses began to give way to wider roads and stoplights, store fronts and street signs. There were the echoes of frost on the sidewalk as she trudged on, her path illuminated by the neon signs ahead and behind her rather than the streetlights above, their flickering like the pulse of the city- asleep, but trying to rouse itself into waking.

She'd walked without stopping, and now she's here. Asuka doesn't know what to do with this, either. Rei is supposed to be on her way, but only because Asuka called her in a moment of indecision. For all of Asuka's confidence, feigned or not, it seems she has none of it left within her now to meet Rei with. So what does that make her?

A coward, she supposes. She's run away from home, she's making Rei come to her, and for what? To sit in an empty park, while Asuka tries to pull herself together?

Asuka sighs, reaching for her phone. She should just call Rei now, and tell her to turn around. She should return home, slip through the window before anyone realizes she's gone, and pretend this was all a dream, and everything's been fine all along. Just curl up under the sheets in her room and tell herself she's not lost, that in half a year it'll be summer and she'll be gone.

Rei will be gone, too.

Metal creaks, sounding too close to be the swings on the opposite end of the park. There's a pressure on the other end of the bench, and out of the corner of her eye Asuka sees grey and a hint of blue. Rei has arrived, yet Asuka has nothing to say to her, nor can she think of anything.

She could try to pretend everything's alright. Feign a smile, a hug, and send Rei on her way. The bench creaks again, and Rei is scooting closer, her shoulder brushing gently against Asuka's. The lie dies in Asuka's throat, not even fully formed. She doesn't need to say anything, she realizes. She knows Rei will wait for her. That she is here speaks volumes enough.

* * *

Asuka's face is a mess of emotion- her eyes darkened by the circles underneath them and her mouth set in a guarded line; in a word, she looks drained. Her eyes stay focused straight ahead as Rei sits down beside her, not even looking over when she's closed the distance between them. She might be watching the light across the road, or maybe she's looking past it at the houses lining the sidewalk, imagining herself asleep inside one of them.

Rei shifts her hand, brushing her fingers against Asuka's. They're cold, but before Rei can begin to ask how long Asuka's been out here, Asuka is falling sideways, her head landing on Rei's shoulder and nuzzling against her sweatshirt.

If Rei wanted to ask something- and she does, more than she lets on- now would be the moment. But Asuka needs a break; what she does not need is someone prodding her for answers, not when she's worn down like this. Rei slowly pulls her arm out from under Asuka and wraps it around her, pulling her closer. She'll let Asuka be the one to break the silence; Asuka's parents, Rei imagines, have done that enough for her.

For a moment, all Asuka does is breathe. It sounds harsh and somewhat forced, like she's holding something back, perhaps an outburst of her own. Rei tilts her head and rests it atop Asuka's, like how they'd been when they were sitting in her garage what seems like weeks ago.

There's a stop in Asuka's breathing, a little gasp. Her eyes, Rei notices, have finally left the street. They now stare up at the sky, shining brighter than they should be under the moonlight. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

"Of course not," Rei says, and she's about to ask why when it becomes clear to her. Asuka is not with her yet; she's still trapped inside the echoes of that argument she heard, and of course Rei will be angry with her because why shouldn't she be?

"You sounded mad on the phone."

"I wasn't mad. Just worried about you." 

"Right," Asuka mumbles, and Rei feels her chest tightening. Nothing she will say can make Asuka believe her, not now. She wishes she could just tell Asuka the truth, that she loves her, that's not what Asuka needs. How could Asuka trust her to love, when even her family can't do such a thing?

"I'm sorry for waking you up," Asuka says. Rei feels her shifting, like she's going to move away, and leans over.

"Shh." Rei squeezes Asuka's arm, and her movement ceases. Asuka's shoulder is rigid beneath her fingertips, like stone. Rei rubs at it, gently but persistently, as if her touch can scour away the tenseness and somehow convince Asuka to relax.

"They just wouldn't shut up." Asuka's scrunched her eyes shut; she bends over, hands forming fists that clutch at the fabric of her pants (light fabric, Rei notes, Asuka didn't change out of her pajamas). "I had to leave."

"I know," Rei says. She leans over, threads the fingers of her other hand through Asuka's hair. She expects a protest, maybe for Asuka to shove her away. Instead she earns a quiet sigh, and Asuka opens her eyes.

"I miss mom." Rei's fingers pause in Asuka's hair long enough for Asuka to catch her meaning. "It hasn't been the same." Asuka's eyes dart up, meeting Rei's, and Rei understands. This rift in Asuka's family that seems to only now be showing its face has been present since Kyoko died, and whether her stepmother realizes it or not, she will never, in Asuka's mind, be able to replace the role that Kyoko occupied.

"Sometimes I try to remember what she taught me," Asuka continues. "All I can remember are phrases, and I don't even know what half of them mean."

"Like what?"

"Like... _na denn man tau_. What does that even mean?"

"I don't know," Rei says, just so Asuka will have something to respond to. It would be better than silence and an uncomprehending look, which is all Rei has to offer in the face of Asuka's German.

"I'm sorry you have to put up with this." Asuka moves her head away from Rei's, but does not flee her embrace. The light is moving strangely in her eyes again, and for a moment Rei is seized by an urge to ignore her better judgment, to move herself forward and kiss Asuka, to let her know there is still love for her to be found in the world. She hears Asuka speak again, saying, "I'll figure it out." And now Rei wants to tell Asuka that she doesn't have to do everything by herself, only Asuka's eyes have closed again.

This time when Asuka falls, her head lands on Rei's lap. Her position strikes Rei as distinctly uncomfortable, but as she goes to shake Asuka's shoulder she realizes that the motion of Asuka's chest has steadied at last: she's fallen asleep. "How long have you been awake?" Rei whispers. Asuka sucks in a breath; her teeth chatter in reply. A soft breeze, undetectable to Rei in her sweatshirt, ruffles the edge of Asuka's shirt.

Rei raises her arms above her head and pulls her sweatshirt off- slowly, so she doesn't disturb Asuka. She drapes it over Asuka's body, tucks the sleeves around her shoulders. It's the second time she's done this in just as many months, but she knows it's not enough; it's a gesture, and it will only ever be just that.

With her sweatshirt off, Rei at last feels the cold prickling at her skin like tiny needles. There's still a good month until December, but the promise of snow is arriving- not now, but soon. When it finally comes, Yui will insist that Rei not leave the house (for her health, Yui will say, but Rei's been fine for years), and where will Asuka be then? Certainly not alone. If Asuka cannot make the trip to Rei's house, then Rei will find a way to her.

Rei sighs, her breath condensing, forming a white cloud in the air. It won't be long until the sun comes up and chases the cold away. There's no reason for her to wake Asuka, not from a much-needed sleep. She extracts her phone from her pocket and eyes the clock. Five-thirty. Yui doesn't get up until seven. They have time.

Or rather, Rei has time. Asuka has her dreams (am I in those dreams? Rei wonders), and Rei. In an hour, they'll have the sunrise. This time, Rei will wake Asuka and share it with her; show her the sun and hope that, if nothing else, will be enough to make her smile.

And it's a Saturday. Asuka can spend the night, Rei thinks; she will offer, and Yui will insist that Asuka stay. It will be the break that Asuka needs, and maybe- though Rei doubts this will happen- they can share the bed. But even if they don't, at least Asuka will be alright.

As Rei sits, the sounds of a city coming to life start to drift into the air around her. There's the revving of a car; there's the sound of a garage opening somewhere down the street; there in the distance is the rushing wind of cars rushing en masse on the freeway.

An hour or so after she fell asleep, Asuka begins to stir, shaking herself awake with a dazed expression on her face. "Rei?" is the first syllable out of her mouth, followed shortly by, "I fell asleep?"

"You did," Rei says. "You looked like you needed it, so I didn't wake you up."

"Fuck," Asuka mumbles, like a single hour of sleep at a time when no one else would be awake has inconvenienced her entire weekend's plan. "Fuck, it's cold, Rei. Can we go home?"

Asuka freezes as that last word leaves her lips. In the confused haze of waking, she has mistaken Rei's place as _home_ , but Rei is smiling and picking her sweatshirt up, holding it out for Asuka to wear. "Sure. Let's go."

"Go..."

"Home. You wanted to go home." Rei watches Asuka wiggle her arms through the holes of the sweatshirt and jam her hands into the pockets. "Wait here a moment," she says, and jogs off. Asuka watches her go across the park to the knot of trees by the swings, where she'd stashed her bike under the shadows. She returns a moment later, leading her bike by the handlebars. "Okay. We can go now."

They start down the sidewalk, the concrete damp beneath their shoes and the rubber tires of Rei's bike. The streetlights have begun to go out, their lights flickering one by one, replaced by the first golden tendrils of the rising sun. One of them goes out as they pass beneath it. Rei takes one hand off the handles of her bike, extends it at the sun to say _see, we can watch this one together._ Asuka slides her hand out from the sweatshirt, reaching for Rei's hand and grasping it.

Together they continue, the streets growing thinner, the lights ahead of them going out faster. Asuka looks up and glares at the one they're about to pass under, daring it to flicker and go out, to take another something from this one, prolonged moment that she and Rei are enjoying.

Rei squeezes her hand.

The light remains on, as does the next, and the one after that- a radiant trail all their own, one that lingers long after they've gone, following them into the sunrise. 


	3. Barycenter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> barycenter: the center of mass of two or more bodies, usually bodies orbiting around each other, such as the Earth and the Moon.

* * *

I

* * *

Since Asuka's exodus from her house, there has been no fighting- only an eerie silence, punctuated by movements around the house, the motions of everyday life. This, somehow, is worse; the ghosts of those arguments still linger in the dents in the walls and the scratches on the furniture, and Asuka can't stand this. She leaves and goes to Rei's house at every chance she gets, her departures always unnoticed,

her arrivals always eagerly anticipated.

It is December at last. School has let out for winter break; Asuka's birthday has come and gone; her one present (from Rei, of course), a badly-knitted scarf, is wrapped around her neck even as she sleeps. Some of the strings are tangled, little threads of red mixed with blue, but the scarf keeps her warm. One night as Asuka lies awake in her bed, her senses on edge and waiting for the shouting to begin, she imagines Rei- who's shown no talent in knitting whatsoever- asking Yui for help; she could dream that this was something important to Rei, but this is probably just her own wishful thinking.

And one morning, as Asuka lies asleep, it begins to snow in her room- the first snow of the year.

She'd left her window open the night before for no reason in particular (or perhaps to justify wearing Rei's present to bed), and now there are little white crystals drifting into her room, gathering on the windowsill and in little puddles on the floor.

One snowflake ventures into Asuka's room, spirals down in a circle to land on the edge of her ear. Asuka startles with a groan, her hand coming up and swiping the air, only to dart back under the sheets at the chill. Her eyes open- slowly, so she can adjust to the brightness- and she groans again.

It's been snowing outside for quite some time now, and a shift in the wind has brought the weather into her room, her own personal snowstorm. Asuka walks to the window and yanks it down, glaring at the drifts that have built up outside. No doubt her stepmother will ask her to shovel the driveway, and even if it wasn't bitingly cold and their only shovel is breaking where the metal head and wooden pole join together, Asuka wants to see Rei. It's the first snow of the season- there's something to be done with that.

Asuka goes to her closet, pulling on her winter gear, which isn't very wintry at all: just a heavy sweatshirt and a pair of snow pants she'd bought one day on a whim, because trudging to school in sweatpants that soaked up all the snow had gotten so fucking annoying.

She opens the door to her room and peeks out carefully. Her parents' door is ajar; no doubt her father has already gone to work, but Asuka can hear her stepmother's rumblings from within. Asuka's safe, for now. She treads down the hall with more caution than necessary, until her feet hit the carpet of the living room and whatever sound she'll make will be masked by it.

Outside, the snow has piled up higher than Asuka expected; she guesses it's at shin-height, and by noon it'll be up to her knees. She wonders, for a moment, if Rei won't expect her to be coming. Her fingers nervously twist the ends of Rei's scarf, which Asuka hadn't realized she was holding. No, she tells herself. Even if her visit is unexpected, they'll figure something out. There's no reason for Rei to push her away so suddenly (but there is, she's been expecting it ever since the night in the park, an uncertain dread that grips her at the most random of times).

Asuka sucks in a breath and pulls the front door open. The eaves of the house have kept the snow from collecting and blocking her path, and it would seem her father has carved a narrow passage through the snow; she scan see the concrete footpath just beneath a thin layer of white ice. She closes the door behind her, locks it, and she's off to Rei's place.

The roads are somewhat clear, a path paved by the comings and goings of people and their cars. The sidewalks, not having been salted, are still buried in snow. Her boots punch holes in it, come up with little clumps of ice clinging to the edges, crunch down into the snow again.

Before long, she's made it to Rei's. The snow is still coming down, but now the sun pokes out from a gap in the grey clouds carpeting the sky, making the cold a little more bearable. Asuka pauses in front of the house, the yard covered in a pristinely even layer of snow. Something in that image reminds her, forcefully, of winters before: that night in which the cancer in her mother's body had finally bested her, and her father had dropped her off at Rei's with nothing but a few hurried words to Yui.

That, Asuka thinks, may have been the last time she saw her father, too. The man who came to pick her up and bring her back home was a haggard shell, aged twenty years in two weeks' time, too tired to do anything but work and clutch desperately at another try at love, the result of which was a spontaneous marriage he no doubt regrets.

And then there was the winter after that- when Rei, shuttered up in her room, seemed like she would slip at any moment after Kyoko. To this day Asuka doesn't know what Rei was afflicted with; Rei's never volunteered the information, and Asuka's never asked. Rei's sickness is a thing of the past, their friendship has endured, and it will continue to.

Asuka starts down the path to the front door, shuffling through the snow with a sudden recklessness. She brings one hand out of her pockets to push the doorbell and jams it back in just as quickly- why, of all days, has she chosen today to forget to wear her gloves?

There's a thumping from within the house, the sound of someone running to get the door. It creaks open, and Rei's face appears in the crack, her cheeks somewhat flushed. "Asuka?"

"Nah, it's Kaworu. I'm here to see Shinji. Duh." Asuka laughs and gestures over her shoulder. "First snow of the season, Rei. Come on."

"You know mom doesn't like me-"

"And yet somehow you've survived this long. Please? We haven't gotten to play in the snow like this since..."

Rei sighs and turns away, looking into the house. "I'll talk to mom. Do you want to come in?"

"I'll stay out here, thanks." Asuka motions at her clothes, thoroughly covered by snowflakes. "Don't want to end up dripping everywhere."

"Are you sure? We have hot chocolate."

"I'm good. But thank you." Asuka smiles at Rei, tilts her head to tell her to go and talk to Yui. "I'll be here."

"Okay. I'll be quick." Rei vanishes behind the closing door, her footsteps hurrying into the house.

Outside, it's just quiet enough that Asuka can hear Rei and Yui's voices, calling to each other from different rooms (it's not yelling; she's knows well enough that this is not it). She turns, leaning back against the house, and surveys yard again. What will they do, assuming Rei will be allowed to join her? They're too old for snowmen, and it'll take too long. A snowball fight, then. Their first one in over a decade.

The door creaks behind Asuka. Rei pokes her head out, peering around to see where Asuka went. "You're wearing my scarf," she says, stepping out of the house and shutting the door behind her.

"'Course I am," Asuka says, lifting said scarf to cover the flushing of her cheeks. "What the hell are you wearing?"

Rei, swaddled in what must be at least three sweatshirts and two sweatpants, has nothing to offer Asuka but a shrug. "Mom said I had to dress warm if I wanted to come out. I haven't really been out in the snow for long, so I don't have anything to wear like you do."

"You look ridiculous," laughs Asuka. And adorable, she thinks, but she can't say that to Rei's face. Or to anyone, really. "Snowball fight?"

"Of course that's what you want to do." Rei walks down the porch stairs and steps into the snow, gathering it up in her bare hands. The powder hardens as she packs it down, and before Asuka has a chance to say anything more, she pulls her arm back and throws.

The snowball careens off far to the left, smacking against one of the rails. "Really?" Asuka says, scooping snow off the railing to hurl at Rei. "I'll show you how it's done. Get back here!"

"No!" Rei stumbles further into the drifts, nearly losing her balance. She ducks in time to avoid Asuka's barrage of three snowballs, then retaliates with her own. They all go wide, sinking holes in the snow where they land, and then Asuka is charging down the stairs to claim them for her own and hurl them back. Rei dodges them all- a feat given her bulky clothing and the awkward way she moves through the snow- and returns fire again.

As the pair continue, it becomes evident that Rei cannot throw, and Asuka cannot hit her. They're stuck at an impasse in a yard that's rapidly running out of viable snowball ammunition; the snow closer to the ground has hardened and become ice, and the only untouched drifts are the ones around the edges of the house.

It is Asuka who runs out of snowballs first and retreats toward the house for more. Rei charges her from across the yard, grabbing her around the waist and tackling her into the largest standing pile of snow. Asuka shrieks as snow slips under her collar and melts against her back, flails her arms at Rei. "No fair!" she shouts, attempting to scoop up snow with her hands and press it to Rei's face. "Tackling's against the rules!"

"There _are_ no rules," Rei laughs. Asuka rolls her eyes, but she sees the smile on Rei's face and the red adorning her cheeks.

"Alright, fine. I surrender. Happy, Rei?" Asuka lies flat against the snow, staring up at her. "Worst snowball fight ever. If you ever give the guys at school dodging lessons, I'm screwed."

"I won't. I like it when they lose to you."

"A girl after my own heart."

"I learned from the best." Rei stands up and extends her hand for Asuka to take, only for Asuka to wave it aside.

"Nope. Snow angel time."

"Who looks ridiculous now?" asks Rei, watching Asuka flap her arms about in the snow. "I bet real angels would look at a snow angel and be insulted."

"Oh yeah? Well, if you think you can do a better job than I can, I'd like to see you try."

"I will." Rei turns around and falls into the snow next to Asuka, moving her arms up and down. "There. Snow angel, not snow crater."

"Excuse me, who's the one who tackled me and made the crater in the first place?"

"You're just jealous that for once, someone's beaten you in something."

"I'm not jealous, I'm passive-aggressive."

"You're silly, that's what you are." Rei gets back up, leaving two shoe prints at the base of her snow angel. _Rei was here_ , she thinks, and her lips curve up in a smile. "Come on, Asuka. Let's go inside. My hands are cold, and I could use some hot chocolate."

"You're gonna have to help me up," Asuka groans. "Penance for the snow crater."

"Fine..."

Rei reaches down with one hand and grips Asuka's, trying to haul her up. Her foot slips on a patch of ice unearthed by their snowball fight, and she goes down into the snow, landing on top of Asuka.

Asuka stares up at Rei, her cheeks beginning to burn, and she knows it's not from the cold. In a perfect world, she thinks, this would be when she lifts her hands to Rei's face to warm them up, and Rei would do the same.

Rei pushes herself up, sitting in the snow next to Asuka. Asuka continues to lie there, not wanting to get up just yet, but content to watch the clouds drifting overhead and the snow still coming down around her. "It's so pretty, isn't it?"

"It is," Rei says, clasping her hands one over the other and resting them against her knees. "You could watch this forever."

"We'll be tired of it in a week."

"Fine, _I_ could watch this forever."

To that Asuka has no reply. She offers one hand, red and trembling, for Rei to take, not quite certain what she expects. But Rei obliges her, joining their hands and meshing their fingers together. And now Asuka knows that as long as they stay like this, fingers intertwined and staring up at the sky, maybe she could watch those clouds forever, too.

"Do you think you can stay tonight?" Rei asks.

"Probably not. If it snows in the morning and there's footprints in it before anyone else is up, my stepmom's gonna know I was somewhere." Asuka sighs and looks down, and suddenly the beauty she'd found in the snow is gone. "God," she says. "I don't want to go home."

The snow crunches beside Asuka; now Rei is leaning up against her, their shoulders touching. Rei's eyes are fixed on Asuka, watching her with the same intensity she'd watched the sky with only moments ago. She seems to be weighing something; her lips are slightly parted, a white wisp of moisture drifting from them. "Asuka," she whispers at last, and this time her breath does not form a cloud. "You are home."

* * *

II

* * *

It's been snowing on and off since that day Asuka went to Rei's. The first snow, Asuka has learned, is not really a first snow, but more a beginning of an icy downpour that will drown the winter in cold and linger into spring, like an unpleasant memory that refuses to leave, and the only special thing about it is that Asuka had believed it to be so.

Then again, Rei had believed it too, so maybe there's something in that.

Christmas has come and gone; in a week, classes will start again. Asuka will force herself to rise early in the morning and trudge through the snow to get to school, now bearing gloves to match the scarf Rei gave her (another funny thing- they both gave each other gloves for Christmas, and what is she supposed to make of that?). She'd given Rei a book, too, but there's something about getting gloves that has to be questioned. Such as, how did they know the size of each others' hands? Or would that mean they've both been thinking about holding hands, or the obvious answer- that it's just a Rei thing, and some of it's rubbed off on Asuka.

Whatever the reason, at least they'll both be warm.

Asuka sighs and lies back on her bed, angling her head on the pillows so she can still see out her window. The roads and sidewalks are being cleared now, every morning, but no one's shoveled the backyard, and it's turned into one massive heap, waist-high, of packed ice and fresh powder. Only the space beneath Asuka's window and leading to the gate is clear, because Asuka's kept it that way- not like anyone else will notice.

She's still been visiting Rei, but between Christmas (and despite Yui's invitations to come spend it with them; Christmas is for family, Asuka thinks, and she's not about to intrude on Rei's) and the inane fits of cleaning that her stepmother forces her to assist in, there's little time to make the trip. So, they've been texting instead.

Tonight, Rei hasn't texted back. Nothing to worry about; Yui's probably gathered Rei and Shinji and Kaworu- if he's over, a thought Asuka can't consider without her stomach twisting painfully- around the lit fireplace to play a board game. Rei will text her when they're done. Nothing else to it.

The voice of Asuka's stepmother comes echoing down the hall, informing Asuka that she's started dinner. Asuka snorts and rolls onto her side, pulling the pillow with her. "Good for you," she mutters, her voice muffled. Since Christmas, Asuka's stepmother has attempted to be _cordial_ with her; if anything Asuka prefers the shouting to this, this feeling of tip-toeing around an active minefield.

There's a sound from Asuka's nightstand- two quick, short buzzes. Asuka reaches out blindly, knocking her fingers against the table's wooden edge. She hisses, withdraws her hand, then carefully unfurls her fingers a second time, dragging her phone towards her with her fingertips.

It's not Rei, as she was hoping for, but Shinji who's texted her. From the tiny lettering on the screen, Asuka sees his message only consists of four words- perhaps a short, politely-worded invitation to dinner ( _Come to our place?-_ but then why wouldn't Rei have sent that herself?), or maybe he's fumbled and texted the wrong person. Asuka pulls her head out from under the pillow and wills her eyes to focus on the message.

_Is Rei with you?_

And all at once Asuka feels a chill upon her spine like she's left the window open, and allowed the winter cold to settle around her shoulders. _No_ , Asuka replies, her fingers shaking. She tears her eyes from her phone to briefly look at the nightstand, where Rei's gift has been sitting since the last time she went out into the snow. The gloves are still there, one resting atop the other.

Her phone buzzes again, and she can feel the disappointment dripping from Shinji's reply, just a single word- _Oh._

"That's it?" Asuka snaps. She sits up and taps out another message, her fingers propelled by sheer annoyance. _Why haven't you called her yet?_

 _She left her phone at home_.

Asuka rolls her eyes. There's a pause, and then the screen of her phone lights up with another message from Shinji. _Her bike's gone._

And now all of it makes sense, or at least most of it. Asuka shoves her phone into her pocket and reaches under her bed for her spare pair of shoes- she's left her boots out up front, an oversight she will not make again, but there's no time to scold herself for it now. She'll make up for it with Rei's scarf, with a sweatshirt under her jacket and two pairs of socks to slow the seep of melted snow to her feet, and pray that it'll be enough.

Asuka grabs her gloves from the side table and opens her window, tumbles through it with all the grace of a boulder. She lands upright, snowflakes beginning to dust her clothes as she advances forward, through the gate and onto the sidewalk.

Her path through the yard is painfully obvious; she's carved a valley for herself through the drifts, which now stand at thigh height everywhere except the driveway. That area's been painstakingly shoveled clear- by Asuka, most of the time- and if her stepmother doesn't notice the sudden appearance of a rift on their snow-covered lawn, her father certainly will when he returns home.

Still. Rei is out there. From what Shinji's said, Rei can only be headed for Asuka's place; it's the only conceivable destination of Rei's that she cannot ask Yui to take her to, that'd be far enough to require a bike to make the trip. Unless, of course, Rei has suddenly decided she needs more Rocky Road ice cream, and has to have it now. Asuka scoffs at the thought- who would eat ice cream in winter?- and walks on.

The snow begins to fall harder, as if the encroaching darkness is somehow dictating that it come down faster and in larger quantities. It blows in flurries under the streetlights, battering Asuka's face and hands, swirling in little circles with the wind. Asuka pulls Rei's gloves from her pockets and slips them on. The left glove goes on perfectly; the right glove seems to be a bit smaller, but only just the thumb. They're still warm, and Asuka doesn't complain, not as she tucks her face into the scarf Rei's made for her and presses on.

The route from Asuka's house to Rei's has been dictated silently by years of travel, though Asuka knows it better. If Rei's wandered from it, there might be no finding her, unless they somehow meet in the park by Asuka's place, which is nowhere near the path between their houses- but it'd be a very Rei sort of thing. That Asuka's even though of this means Rei's influence is definitely rubbing off on her.

Asuka's just approached the halfway point, a street corner marked by a dented signpost, when at last she notices the familiar blue gleam of Rei's bicycle, and the knot in her chest that has thus far gone unnoticed begins to unravel. "Rei!" she yells, running towards the bus stop where Rei's seated, one leg across the other, her bike leaning against the bench.

Rei looks up, surprise and confusion etched on her face. "Asuka?"

"Shinji texted me," Asuka pants, collapsing onto the bench beside Rei. "Told me you left and forgot your phone. As far as running away from home unnoticed goes, you suck."

Rei's lips twitch upward slightly. Now that Asuka's closer she sees the pale flush of Rei's cheeks, which are lighter than normal. Is it the lighting? Is it the cold? But then there's the strain in her smile, an uncanny mirror of Asuka's own smile from the months before. Something must be wrong. Maybe, through some strange unraveling reality, it's Rei who's leaving home this time, and the world has sent Asuka to come collect her.

Asuka rocks restlessly from side to side. The bench creaks beneath her. "So... what're you doing here?" she asks.

Rei laughs- a sound like the rustling of the wind, perfectly at home in the winter air. "I was about to ask you that. Are you supposed to be out here?"

"I'm paying you back for _that time_. And I'm already out here, anyway."

"I could send you home. I'm older than you."

"By nine months," she shoots back. Rei laughs again; the wind howls in Asuka's ears for a moment, then goes still.

She wants to ask what exactly Rei is doing, sitting here at the bus stop with her bike, but she doesn't- not quite. These scenarios are the kind that require patience, something Asuka has little of- but she has Rei. She reaches over, placing her gloved hand atop Rei's, and receives a nod in return. They've come to an understanding: Asuka will let Rei speak as she needs to, but will not allow her to leave until that's done.

Rei tilts her head back and sighs, watches her breath condense in the air above her. Asuka leans closer, unraveling one end of her scarf to wrap it around Rei's neck. When Rei looks over, Asuka raises one eyebrow, as if to say _see, you're stuck with me, I mean it._

"I was coming to see you," Rei says. "You probably already guessed." And Asuka nods, says nothing; she doesn't need to. "I was biking. There was ice on the sidewalk, and I didn't see it, and-"

She reaches down and pulls her sock away, briefly exposing her ankle to the open air. It's visibly swollen, and Rei winces as she uncrosses her legs, setting her injured foot back down on the snow. "Skidded. Couldn't stop. Tumbled into a snowdrift and hurt my ankle- sprained it, I think."

"So what were you gonna do? Sit out here until someone noticed you were gone and hope you didn't freeze to death?"

"I was planning on walking back, actually," Rei says. "I just needed to sit down and rest a bit. It's not like I can't walk- it just hurts."

"You're impossible. Hopeless." Asuka looks as though she would like to stand, but doing so means taking her scarf from Rei, so she remains where she is. "Tell you what, I'll help you home if you leave the running away stuff to me from now on."

"And what if I decide your offer is a horrible one and I can get home myself?"

"Then... I'll steal your bike. No walking home without a crutch, right?"

"You're a cruel person, Asuka."

"Not cruel. Just worried about you."

Rei smiles, regarding Asuka with a fleeting, unfamiliar fondness before she stands, wobbling towards one side. Asuka rises with her, catching Rei against her body. "You really messed it up, didn't you?" she asks.

"Possibly." Rei exhales sharply, another cloud forming between her lips. "Mom's going to kill me."

"For sneaking out, or for getting yourself hurt?"

"Both. I'll probably be grounded until school starts-"

"Which is in like what, a week?"

"Yeah, a week and a half..." Rei settles herself heavily against Asuka's shoulder, debating where to place a hand for support. Around her waist makes more sense, but would that be too intimate? Around Asuka's shoulder seems safe. She does this, feels Asuka's glove brushing against hers, and knows she's made the right choice.

Asuka grabs Rei's bike by the handles, pulling it alongside her. "Right," she says, looking over at Rei. "You good?"

"I'll let you know if I'm not."

"Fair enough." Asuka steps forward, feels a tug on her shoulder, on her scarf. Rei has yet to move; she looks unsteady, rocking back and forth on her one foot. "Rei?" says Asuka. "We... I can call your mom if you want."

Rei shakes her head, the quickest Asuka's seen her move that night. "Don't want to trouble her," she murmurs. "She's probably cooking dinner."

Right- dinner. Asuka feels her stomach lurch, not from hunger but from the realization that her stepmother might at this moment be wandering the house, calling Asuka's name. And when Asuka's parents have noticed she's gone, well- Asuka won't think of it now. "Then let's go," Asuka says, and squeezes Rei's hand.

Rei's eyes shift from the icy sidewalk to their joined hands, but only for a moment. She sucks in a breath, advancing slowly, looking astonishingly penguin-like. But it works; Rei does not crumple in pain or crush Asuka's hand in hers, so something must be right.

It's slow going- on a sunny day, when Asuka's running, she can make it from her place to Rei's in forty-five minutes. On a snowy night like this, with Rei injured, the time might as well be tripled. But- for a reason Asuka knows, just refuses to acknowledge- she doesn't mind this hour with Rei, this hour spent mostly in silence, with the wind whipping the ends of Asuka's scarf around their faces and the creaking of the bicycle's spokes.

"I can make it from here," Rei says once they've turned down her street. Asuka grips her hand tighter, urges them forward with longer strides.

"I brought you this far. What kind of a friend would I be if I didn't walk you all the way home?" she laughs.

Rei simply shakes her head, and as they pass under a streetlight Asuka thinks she might have glimpsed that fondness again- then Rei's turning away, the light flashing across her eyes, and it's gone. "You'd still be a good friend. You came all this way." _For me_ , she seems to add silently, or maybe that's just Asuka's hopeful thinking again. "Did the gloves help?"

"Yeah. They did." Asuka squeezes Rei's hand again, just because she can, then wiggles her fingers. "This one's a little tight around the thumb, though."

"Oh." With that one sound, Rei's pulling them both to a stop, reaching up with her hands to remove Asuka's glove. Asuka produces a sound low in her throat- not quite a grunt or a grumble, something in between- but allows Rei to take it.

Rei turns the glove over in her hands and shakes it twice. Something small and colorful- Asuka glimpses blue and red before it disappears between Rei's hands- tumbles from it. Rei passes Asuka her glove back, then holds out her hands, stringing a small length of twine between them. "Made this for you," she says. "I put it in there and forgot to tell you."

Asuka reaches for the twine- a friendship bracelet, she can see the braids and the knots now- but Rei does not give it to her. She wraps the ends around Asuka's wrist instead, fumbles with them for a moment, then pulls her hands away. "There," Rei says softly, admiring the bracelet now loosely tied around Asuka's wrist. "For all the ones you gave me."

"Rei..." Asuka lifts her hand, her glove half-pulled over it, and admires the bracelet in the light. The glimpse of it she'd caught before was accurate; the strands encircling her wrist are a pale blue and a dark red, reminiscent of their favorite colors, a little bit of Rei that Asuka can now carry with her wherever she goes. "Thanks," she says, tugging it with a finger to test the knot. It holds, and yet Asuka doesn't pull her glove back on, not yet.

She lifts her hand to the side of Rei's face, fingers dancing lightly across her cheek. The white cloud of Rei's breath stutters, then another one comes out, slightly larger than the last. "Asuka?" Rei asks.

"Your cheek is cold." Asuka slips her glove back on; her hand finds Rei's again, and as she starts walking again Rei notices her strides are longer. "Let's get you home."

They continue down the street and up the path to Rei's house without another word. Asuka props Rei's bike against the porch rails while Rei rings the doorbell, and then they wait, though they're not waiting long.

Within seconds Yui has materialized at the door, her eyes narrowed dangerously- though Asuka notes they relax, if only slightly, when Yui sees her. "Asuka," she says. "You-"

"Went looking for her. Shinji texted me."

"Well, thank you." Yui smiles, holding that expression for a few seconds, then turns to Rei. "You. Explain yourself."

"I was... going to see Asuka. My bike skidded on some ice, and I twisted my ankle."

"And you left your phone at home." Yui inhales sharply, placing her fingertips to her forehead. "You didn't think of calling me with Asuka's, either?"

"I told her not to, you'd be busy-"

"I was _busy_ worrying my head off about you!" Yui sighs and steps to the side, motioning Rei into the house. "Get off your foot, Rei, you'll make it worse. Shinji? Can you get an ice pack? And Asuka- I know it must be late, would you like to stay for-"

"I can't," Asuka says. Her eyes follow Rei as she shuffles into the house, disappearing behind Yui. In the background there is the sound of Shinji ransacking the freezer- would there be Rocky Road, Asuka wonders- and she can smell whatever it was Yui was cooking before they arrived. "I'd love to, but I need to go home."

"Alright. Would you like me to drive you back? I can-"

"It's fine. You should take care of Rei's ankle. I'll find my way back."

Yui's face arranges itself into a thoughtful expression. "Would you at least like some hot chocolate before you go?"

"I can't. I really should... go." Asuka smiles, and feels her lips beginning to crack. Since when had they gotten that dry? "But thank you. I'll... can I come by tomorrow?"

"Maybe. At the very least, Rei won't be going anywhere." Yui shrugs, and with that gesture all the anger that Asuka has perceived seems to drain away. "I'd ground her, but I think her ankle's done that for her. If you want to make the trip, I won't stop you."

"Alright. Thanks." Asuka looks up at Yui, mustering her own smile. "Tell Rei I said good night?"

"I will. And thank you again, Asuka."

For a moment the two regard one another- Yui with some sort of patient curiousness, and Asuka with caution. Then Yui turns, the door swinging shut behind her, and the golden glow of Rei's house disappears behind it, leaving the porch illuminated only by the light from the windows and the moon above.

Asuka retreats down the way she came, her face buffeted by gusts of snow. Enough has fallen that the footsteps she made before have begun to be filled, the outlines no longer distinguishable from afar. By now her father must be home; by now her absence will definitely have been noticed. She'll have missed dinner- but really, what does that matter to her?

She turns and looks back at the corner of Rei's street. The porch light is no longer on, and inside Yui will be fussing over Rei, scolding and tending to her at the same time; Shinji (and Kaworu, if he is there; Asuka didn't see him) will retreat up to his room and wonder what, exactly, had gone on-

And Asuka will continue on her journey home. There really isn't any other conclusion.

She passes the bus stop where she found Rei. Past that point, she acknowledges very little of her surroundings; the houses have all become that same pasty-white color, their mailboxes all dusted with a good inch of snow, the streets all cleared but faintly littered with frost.

At last Asuka makes the last turn, and there is her house, with its porch light off. She advances until her feet brush the rectangles of light on the ground, emanating from the empty windows. It's silent for now, though that'll certainly change the moment she walks through the door. And suddenly, though she knows she can't, Asuka wants to turn back around and go to Rei's, climb through Rei's window instead of her own and sleep there, her parents be damned. Her fingers slip under the edge of her glove, feeling the cord around her wrist.

She stands there, watching the windows for shadows that never come, rolling Rei's bracelet between her fingers again and again, until the snow's seeped through both layers of socks and into her sneakers and the moon is high overhead, simply staring into the place she once regarded as home.

* * *

III

* * *

Asuka hasn't been _grounded_ , not officially. She's only just avoided it through the good graces of her stepmother (Asuka tries not to roll her eyes), but if she's caught out again later than ten, _then_ she'll be grounded.

It's a fair arrangement. Asuka has to admit that, though it means her visit to Rei's will have to be cut short. It also means she shouldn't be leaving her house through her bedroom window- how Asuka's stepmother overlooked it in the search for her last night is beyond her; maybe her father didn't mention that path carved into the yard or maybe it's just another sign of ineptitude- but Asuka's going to anyway.

Someone's cleared the sidewalks of snow during the early morning, so it's a quick trip to Rei's. Her sneakers, still damp from the night before, crunch against the pavement- salt crystals this time, not packed ice.

A heap of freshly-shoveled snow marks the turn onto the walkway of Rei's house. Asuka rolls her eyes and continues on: there's only one person she knows who shovels snow like that, and it's Kaworu. Of course he'd still be there.

She stops just before the porch, pauses. Does she really need to announce her presence to the entire house, Kaworu included? No, she doesn't. For some reason Asuka can't explain, today seems like a day where only Rei should know she's here (or maybe it's the memory of the night before, rattling inside her skull, the progenitor of strange decisions). She turns and marches out into the untouched snow, leaving tracks everywhere, stray ice clinging to her sneakers.

Asuka hasn't had reason to consider Rei's window from the outside before, and now she sees there might be a problem: mainly, she'll have to jump to even reach the ledge. The window's closed too- Rei isn't the sentimentally careless type; she won't leave her window open just to let the snowflakes in and see if, somehow, she can recreate that feeling of being outside in the wind.

She gathers a bunch of snow between her hands- thank you again, Rei, for the gloves- presses it together, hurls it at Rei's window. It splatters against it with a satisfying rattle of glass. It slides open with a rapid shriek of its metal frame, and Rei pokes her head out, her mouth curved in a frown. "Kaworu? Shinji? That's not funn- Asuka?" Asuka starts to wave, stops when Rei raises a hand. "Why couldn't you just use the front door?"

"I... didn't want to?" Asuka says with a shrug. She sees Rei roll her eyes, but before the thought that she should walk back around to the front has taken hold completely, Rei is extending her hands through the window and motioning for Asuka to grab them.

"Well, come on," Rei says, a hint of laughter in her voice. Maybe she's figured it out now, like Asuka has, the charm of having someone climbing through your window to see you- or it could be the thought of Asuka, burdened down by her winter wear, attempting to fit through it. Asuka hopes it isn't the latter.

She peels her gloves off and sticks them in her pocket. The bracelet around her wrist bounces against her skin as she leaps up, her fingers briefly brushing Rei's. Rei seizes her hand, her grip surprisingly strong as she hauls Asuka up. Asuka scrambles along the side of the house, her sneakers leaving clumps of ice on the outer wall, and then she's tumbling through the window to land awkwardly on Rei's bed.

Asuka sits up with a groan, rubbing her stomach. If that was how Rei felt, coming through her window that time before, Asuka can only wince and love her more for it. She shuffles over to the foot of the bed, only belatedly realizing she's left a trail of melting snow behind her. "Sorry," she mumbles, wondering if she should go and leave her jacket in the bathroom, or- such a silly thought- if Rei will think of something like drying her off with a towel.

"It's alright. It'll dry eventually."

Rei's retreated to her own side of the bed, Asuka notes, to her throne made of pillows and the book resting closed on her desk. She's interrupted Rei's reading, but Rei doesn't seem to mind; if anything, she looks glad that Asuka is here. Her eyes drift over Asuka, sitting with melting ice dripping off her sneakers and clothes, and there's a certain softness to them that makes Asuka wonder what would happen if she leaned over and embraced her.

They'd get water all over Rei's bed, that's what would happen. Asuka pulls her sneakers off, setting them gently at the foot of the bed, then climbs back up to sit on the windowsill. "So I don't get water all over the place," she says.

"That's what you said when you came over before."

"Then I guess I've failed in keeping your house clean."

"At least you didn't drip all over our living room." Rei grins, a sentiment that Asuka returns. She doesn't really _get_ it beyond the idea that somehow she's dirtying another part of Rei's house, but if it makes Rei smile then she'll smile, too.

"Yeah, I'm sure you did plenty of that last night," Asuka replies. "How's the ankle?"

"I can walk on it, but it's sore. Mom's put me under house arrest for a week. The horror." Rei tilts her head at her desk, and now Asuka notices that Rei's got a different book, and she doesn't recognize this author. "I got something new to read, at least."

"And now I've invaded your room. You gonna read to me, Rei?"

"I will, if you really want me to, but only if you tell me why you decided that climbing through my window was the best way to come here. And yes, Asuka, I know when you're lying. You do this." Rei lifts her shoulders, an overdramatic version of a shrug. "It's really obvious."

"Well-" Asuka groans, tilting her head back. "I snuck out again, okay? Didn't want my stepmom asking questions." And it turns out that's all she needs to say; Rei nods and reaches across the space between them, pulling Asuka closer.

Only, Rei's misjudged her force. The zipper of Asuka's jacket opens, sliding a little ways down; the jacket goes slack in Rei's hand, and Asuka topples over onto her side, spraying half-melted snow all over the room. Rei, though startled, catches herself against the bed with one hand. Asuka is not so lucky: she has enough time to gasp before her face makes contact with the bed sheets, and then she's rolling onto her side, straight into Rei's lap.

Asuka looks up, and Rei is staring down at her, eyes wide and lips slightly parted. It's like she, instead of Asuka, is the one who's been stunned by her unexpected fall, she the one who would be reached for and kissed (why that thought, all of a sudden?). Only- Rei wouldn't want to be kissed. Or another way of saying it- Rei wouldn't want Asuka to kiss her.

Rei's leg twitches beneath Asuka's neck, tells her that maybe she's been lying there a little too long. Asuka props herself up with an arm, meaning to go back to her side of the bed, and finds a hand in her way. That hand is, again, clutching for the collar of her jacket; again it pulls her, but Asuka's already in motion, and she's falling for a second time.

Rei, having pulled Asuka towards her, hits the floor first. She pitches slightly from side to side, shoulders knocking into the maze of boxes and books, scattering them around the room to bathe in the snowflakes. Asuka lands on top of her legs; she hears Rei take in a sharp breath and knows she must be pressing on Rei's ankle to some degree.

"Shit, Rei-" Asuka says, face flaring red. "Your ankle. I'm sorry. I-"

She falls silent. Rei's finger finishes tracing the outline of her mouth. Now it's Asuka who's sitting there in shock, barely realizing that Rei hasn't let go of her jacket this entire time. Why hasn't she, Asuka wonders, why is Rei's face suddenly so close to hers, and- oh, oh god, that warmth. Rei's breath ghosts across Asuka's cheek, soft and somehow electric, sending tingles along the length of her body.

This isn't how Asuka had imagined her first kiss to be like, herself covered in droplets of water and even more snowflakes coming down around her, seeping into bed sheets and open pages of books and whatever else they might land on. A first kiss is supposed to be romantic; this scenario is not romantic, and yet it's perfect- because she's with Rei? It has to be that, Asuka thinks. Her lips move against Rei's, as if to say _yes, let's stay like this forever._

And then the warmth is gone; Asuka gazes down upon Rei's face, distant from her once more. Rei is saying something, an unceasing stream of words; Asuka catches only brief snatches of them, like _My ankle is fine_ and _Will you stay for lunch?_ It would seem that kiss had never happened, or at least Rei would like to pretend it hadn't; there's a trembling in her eyes that gives it all away. Asuka knows this trembling all too well- she's seen it in herself, felt it, in those moments when she believes she's ruined everything.

She reaches down, curls the fingers of one hand against Rei's cheek. It's enough to quiet her, to allow Asuka to gather her thoughts in the pause that follows. "How long have you wanted to do that?" she says at last.

"I don't know," Rei whispers. Her eyes seem to journey around the room, taking in the disturbed piles of books and the water glittering everywhere before returning to Asuka. "Since the first year of high school, I guess."

And with those words, the air around them is charged again. Asuka nods slowly, pushes herself off the floor and sits with her back against Rei's bed. "I'll stay," she says, but her voice is soft, and it lifts at the end. If anything, it sounds more like she's asking herself what to do.

"You don't have to." Rei is still lying on the floor- why is she still there? Asuka shifts, kneels, bends at the waist.

"I'll stay," Asuka says again, her lips just touching Rei's. She feels like she should add something more- I love you, or thank you. Rei smiles at Asuka, hands reaching up to cup her face. The silence says it all for her.


	4. Pericynthion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pericynthion: the point in the path of a body orbiting the moon that is nearest to the moon

* * *

I

* * *

The wind tugs on the tassels of Asuka's sweatshirt as she walks home with Rei. It's February, and though the unceasing fall of snow from above has finally stopped, it's still too cold to warrant anything else but thick pants and long-sleeved tops. The sidewalks are clear, have been clear for the past weeks, and yet there's just enough ice (clinging persistently as icicles to rooftops, or thawing on lawns that were never shoveled) that Asuka can justify holding hands with Rei- to keep them warm, of course.

Rei, her face tucked into another scarf of her own making, this one knitted to match Asuka's, squeezes Asuka's hand. This is a new habit of hers; she always does this whenever they're holding hands, a ritual confirmation of her relationship with Asuka that, if not done, will threaten to unravel her.

Asuka squeezes back, offers Rei a small smile. As many times as they've done this, she can't get tired of it. It isn't some strange phenomenon where every squeeze feels different- it's just that it's Rei, and so Asuka will always find herself wanting more.

They pause at the intersection where they usually part, Rei going one way and Asuka continuing straight on to her house. "Are you going today?" Rei asks, her fingers beginning to slip through Asuka's.

"Can I come over?" asks Asuka. Her hand moves forward, catching Rei's before it can fully escape.

Rei pulls Asuka back toward her, pressing her hand flat against Asuka's before linking their fingers again. "You can always come over. You know mom doesn't mind. Anyways, Kaworu's practically living in Shinji's room, now."

"Think I can get away with living in yours?" Asuka asks, finishing with a laugh. It won't happen, but she can dream; imagine, for a moment, that the world is perfect and she and Rei will be inseparable. "I'm sorry. Just... my stepmom's back to her good old overbearing self."

"Asuka." Rei's arm wraps tight around her waist. They stand there for a long moment, hugging, ignoring the cold and the occasional rushing of cars passing by. Then Rei is stepping away, Asuka's hand firmly in hers, and they're walking down the street towards Rei's house.

From the state of the porch- covered from the stairs to the door in puddles of slush- Kaworu and Shinji have already made it home. Rei knocks on the door, and Yui answers it soon after, that warm smile that Asuka's come to know on her face.

"I was beginning to think you two had run off," Yui says. "Hello again, Asuka. Will you be staying for dinner tonight?"

"Yes," Rei says, looping her arm under Asuka's. Her eyes dart to Asuka, narrowing slightly, daring her to object.

"What she said." Asuka knows better than to deny this invitation- it's worth more to her, Rei's happiness, than insisting on answering Yui herself. She inclines her head as Yui steps to the side, welcoming them in; she and Rei slip off their shoes, and then they're heading down the hall. They pass by Shinji's room, the door just barely cracked open, sounds of music coming from within- Shinji's cello and Kaworu's violin, no doubt.

"They're still doing that?" Asuka murmurs, stepping into Rei's room and shutting the door behind her. "It's been what, a month of string duet noises now?"

"At least they haven't tried to start a garage band," Rei sighs. Her shoulders slump as she drops her backpack by her desk; Asuka's already tossed her bag into the corner of Rei's room, over by the closet, they've designated as her space.

"A garage band would be better. They'd be in a garage."

"But then we'd have to put up with Kaworu's singing. Or Shinji's."

Asuka throws herself on the bed, landing on her stomach. "God," she says. "I'll pass."

She rolls onto her back, meeting Rei's eyes. Rei cracks first, her mouth spreading into a wide smile as she leans on her desk, laughter shaking her body. Asuka curls up on the bed, hands crossed over her belly. "Oh, that's good," Asuka gasps. "Shinji singing."

"Or Kaworu."

"K-Kaworu singing-!"

The laughter tapers, eventually, into a silence. Asuka grins vacantly at Rei, the purpose behind it having dwindled away. She realizes now that Rei is still standing; she's taken up all the room on the bed, occupying a space that isn't hers. "Sorry," she says, and shuffles off to one side.

"It's fine." Rei hops up beside her, swinging her legs from the edge.

"You're lucky." Asuka lies flat on her back, one hand extended in Rei's direction. "Your mom doesn't mind that both her kids are gay."

Rei leans over, lacing her fingers through Asuka's. Her lips touch Asuka's forehead, gently, with none of the hesitance she has when touching others.

"Still thinking of that?" she asks.

"Sometimes. When they're fighting again, mostly. Wouldn't that be great? One more thing to yell about," Asuka sighs. No, that won't do. Moping in Rei's room is something that shouldn't be done; the room is too airy, too bright, to house something depressing. That, and Rei is here. "You know, the week after you told Yui we were going out, Shinji came up to me after class."

"What'd he say?"

"He told me if I broke your heart, he'd..."

"He'd what?"

"I don't know. He just sort of trailed off." Asuka smirks, tilts her head to nuzzle against Rei's neck. "I think he's still working on it."

Rei smiles, giggles as the top of Asuka's head grazes her chin. That does sound like something Shinji would do; he's probably forgotten his attempt at a threat by now, or maybe he's just realized nothing he can say will faze Asuka. Rei rests her head atop Asuka's, wraps an arm around her waist. 

"It sucks that we only have two classes together this semester," Asuka continues. "Last semester together, and they only give us two classes. And one of them is math; that doesn't even count."

"We always have lunch together. And we go home together, too."

Asuka flails her free arm against the bed. "It's not the same," she grumbles. To her, the definition of a high school romance includes passing notes in class and stealing kisses in the hallways, things that she and Rei haven't been able to do, that Asuka is afraid they will never do. "And what happens when we leave for college, huh? We won't even have this."

Rei shifts against Asuka's body, stares up at her. Her eyes shine under the sunlight; she sucks in a breath like she's about to reveal something, lets it whoosh from her lungs in a single sigh. "Well," she says. "I guess we'll have to make the time we have count more, won't we?" 

"You say that like it's easy."

"It's a Friday, Asuka. We have an entire weekend to ourselves."

"And next week we have a quiz in history, a test in math, and a paper due for literature."

"Those can wait."

Asuka rolls her eyes, pulls Rei into her a little more. She looks down at Rei with the same fondness she once saw in Rei's gaze, a fondness she's grown to know intimately. "Rei Ayanami, ditching studies? The world must be ending."

"I didn't say that."

"Well, we're lying on your bed instead of huddling around your desk, so that's a start. Unless you want to insist we study something right now."

Rei slides her fingers apart from Asuka's, rolling to the opposite side of the bed. She props her head up with one elbow, squinting past the sun shining in her eyes. "I am studying," she says. "I'm studying you."

Asuka's cheeks burn red; it could just be the reflection of the sun off her skin, but Rei knows better. There comes, in this moment where nothing is said, the crooning of Shinji and Kaworu's instruments from the room over; the chirping of birds nestled in the barren trees; the wind rattling against the frame of Rei's window.

Asuka sits up, shuffles over to Rei's side. She dips her head reverently, her hair tickling Rei's skin as it cascades over them both, like a fiery curtain, to block out the sun. Rei's fingers graze her cheek, rest on the curve of her chin. Her lips are parted slightly, like that thing she'd wanted to say before is trying to slip out, but Rei only tilts her head, looking expectantly at Asuka.

They kiss again, softly, and the hunger that Rei had expected Asuka to kiss with is there, but only just. It emerges more in their other touches, in hands that refuse to be untangled from each other and the hugs that feel, more than anything else, like it's Asuka begging to be held forever, to not be released.

"I'm sorry," Asuka says once they've caught their breath.

"Sorry for what?"

"That I have to keep coming over here all the time."

Rei leans back, eyeing Asuka thoughtfully. "You're happy here, aren't you?"

Asuka rolls her eyes and lets herself descend, falling onto the sheets beside Rei. They both know what the answer is; it's obvious, but Rei will still want to hear it, and that side of Asuka that only Rei has been allowed to see will relish in telling her.

"I'm happy when I'm with you," Asuka says.

"Then it's fine."

Rei's fingers navigate under Asuka's; she lets their hands rest, one atop the other. The sound of the music from Shinji's room has stopped; where he and Kaworu are now, Rei doesn't know, but it doesn't seem to matter, either. "Asuka?" she says. "You know what you said about leaving for college?" She receives a nod in reply, a twitching of fingers- Asuka's way of telling her to get this subject over with. "That night I came over. I saw where you were applying to."

"And?"

"I did the same."

Asuka turns her head, stunned, to gaze out the window. Outside the sun has begun to set, tinting the trees with gold. "You did?" Asuka whispers, her fingers curling around Rei's. "You didn't have to."

"I know."

"You shouldn't have."

"I _know_." Rei moves closer, reaches around to place a hand on Asuka's cheek and guide her gaze back. "But like you said, I'm happy when I'm with you."

Asuka's grip on Rei tightens, the force almost crushing. "You're so stupid," she mutters, biting her lip. "That sounds like something I would do."

"Maybe that's why I did it."

Asuka groans, shakes her head, but stops protesting. "Sun's setting. You wanna watch it?"

"Sure."

Rei pushes herself up, sitting next to Asuka. Asuka leans against her, and it's like that time before on the park bench; only this time it feels too warm instead of cold, the sun is setting, Asuka is happy- no, there's nothing wrong with that.

Yui's voice echoes down the hall, calling to Rei, telling her that dinner is ready.

"One more minute," Rei whispers to Asuka. Of course, she means five. Asuka opens her mouth to protest. Rei motions to the sunset, a knowing twinkle in her eyes.

Asuka kisses her instead.

* * *

II

* * *

Rei, having wheeled her bike over to the side of Asuka's house, finds the last stage of her master plan interrupted by something she hadn't been expecting: Asuka's window is closed.

The original plan went something along the lines of, go to Asuka's house, surprise her, ask her out, and sneak away. That Asuka's window is closed means either of two things; she's not home, or she's still asleep.

Rei cups her hands around her eyes, peers through the window. There's Asuka, fast asleep in bed, the blankets tangled around her feet and half-draped on the floor. Rei taps at the window, and within a moment she knows that she won't be waking Asuka up- not with so pitiful a sound.

As her fingers brush the window again, an idea occurs. Rei places her palms flat on the glass, pushing upward and out. The window shudders beneath her hands, grinds a little, then slowly begins to climb up the frame. Of course, Rei thinks with a shake of her head. Of course Asuka wouldn't lock her window.

Asuka doesn't stir as Rei climbs through her window, landing awkwardly on the cluttered floor. Some things, she notes with a roll of her eyes, never change. Asuka's room is still a mess- littered with clothes and papers, her desk covered in half-finished assignments, her shoes tucked under her bed to rest with the boxes and dust bunnies. Then there's Asuka herself- sleeping with the covers up to her chin, a pair of thin white cords leading up to her ears. No wonder she hadn't heard Rei knocking.

With nothing else to do, Rei decides to clean. Asuka's clothes go into the hamper, the papers are stacked and deposited on her chair to go over later, and when all that's been finished and Rei finds herself standing in a room that could, by Asuka's standards, be considered clean, she goes and sits at the foot of Asuka's bed.

Asuka grunts, shifts from side to side under the covers. The sun, high above her window, has begun to shine on her face. Rei watches her shuffle, slowly, from one edge to the other before opening an eye, having surrendered to the brightness assaulting her eyelids.

Rei watches Asuka wake with unwavering interest. She sees the subtle furrowing of Asuka's brow, the light reflecting off Asuka's eyes as her pupils contract, retreating from the sunlight. Her gaze passes over Rei- no more at the moment than a shadow in the room- and she blinks.

"Rei?" Asuka mumbles, sitting up and rubbing at her eyes with one hand. "You're... in my room."

"Yes. Congratulations, you won't need your vision checked this year."

Rei slides from her perch, moves closer to Asuka, blocking out most of the sun. So far, this is a typical Asuka reaction. Or perhaps Asuka's mind, still trying to rouse itself, hasn't fully grasped that Rei is standing, somehow, in a place she shouldn't be. Asuka scrunches her eyes shut, yawning and stretching her arms. When she opens them again, Rei is still there.

"You're in my room," Asuka says again. She doesn't sound surprised, merely curious, like waking up and finding her girlfriend standing there is somewhat of a recurring event. "How'd you get in here?"

"You don't lock your windows."

"Oh... right." Asuka looks around, her head rotating slowly. "It looks different."

"I cleaned up your things," Rei says. "And I moved in."

"Wait. Really?"

"No, not really." Rei chuckles, reaches forward to brush some hair away from Asuka's eyes. "Good morning, Asuka."

"It's too early. It's what. Ten? What are you doing here?"

"I was going to surprise you. Ask if you wanted to go somewhere with me."

Asuka groans and falls back onto her bed with a thump. "Rei. I have homework."

"We can do it later. I'll help you."

"Alright, geez... better be somewhere good you're taking me."

"I thought I would let you decide where to go."

"So what," Asuka says, rolling out from under the sheets and staggering to her closet. She pauses with one hand on the door and the other braced against the frame, peering up at her clothes. Is today more of a red shirt day, or blue? "You come into my room asking me to go somewhere with you. Is this a date?"

Rei looks away as Asuka turns, succeeds in avoiding her gaze. Despite their relationship approaching the three-month mark, there's still some things Rei finds difficult. Calling anything a date is one of them. Asuka knows this; she's changed, while Rei is looking away, from her pajamas into jeans and a blue shirt. "Never mind," she says. "Let's go."

Asuka pulls on her shoes and grabs a few things from her desk, shoving them in her pockets as she goes to the window. Rei asks, "Did you ever imagine we'd be here like this?"

"Like what?" Asuka replies. "Me climbing out the window with my girlfriend?

Rei's cheeks turn an even darker shade of pink. "I meant us. Together."

Asuka, with one foot already out the window, turns to face Rei. "All the time." She slides out the rest of the way, landing audibly on the ground below, where a small patch of grass has taken hold and is spreading, somewhat rapidly, towards the remains of Kyoko's garden. "What about you?"

"You know all those times I was daydreaming in class?"

"Oh."

Rei slips her hand into Asuka's and squeezes it gently. They reach out together to push the gate aside, treading quietly across the lawn. The grass, still damp, wrinkles under their feet, little green blades twinkling under the sun. Rei looks up, her gaze finding Asuka's, and that same light is there. Rei cannot help herself- she smiles.

* * *

Asuka's wanderings have led them to the park where not long ago (though it seems like an eternity to them both) Asuka had fled. Rei lets Asuka guide her down the concrete walkway, past the bench where she'd found Asuka, to the swing set at the far end.

Asuka had run here, Rei notes. Why here? She'd never asked. It'll probably just end up being one of those things she'll accept about Asuka, never questioning it, but even then those things are few; she wouldn't, if prompted, be able to provide one right away.

Rei feels Asuka release her hand. A moment later, Asuka throws herself down into the seat of one of the swings, the structure creaking softly as it receives her. "Come on," she says, and points to the second swing. "Rei."

"Aren't we a bit big for this?"

"They were built for us. People our age. It's not like they're kid swings."

Asuka has a point. Rei seats herself, gently, hands gripping the swing chains. From beside her there comes a scraping sound: Asuka, dragging her feet through the wood chips. "Remember when we used to come here every week?" she asks.

Rei nods, says nothing. There isn't any response to that kind of a question that'll come across as _right._ Asuka isn't looking for such an answer, either- she just needs to talk. Asuka continues: "We used to run around, hide behind trees and see if anyone would find us. Your mom always did. Never Shinji."

"Did you want him to find us?"

"No. I just thought it was funny." Asuka smiles thinly. There's something she hasn't mentioned, Rei thinks, that Kyoko was never the one who tried to find them, because she was always tired. Asuka kicks at the woodchips, leaving a mark like the front of her sneaker in the dirt beneath, then pushes off from the ground. "I'm sorry," she says. "I'm talking about shit like this again."

"If you're talking about it, it must be bothering you." Briefly Rei wonders if Asuka brought them here, to this park in particular, to release that pent-up energy of hers on the swings. If she did, well- it would mean Asuka's finally stopped bottling up her feelings. Even if she can't tell Rei about them directly, this is still something.

Rei bends her knees and, with a push, launches herself into the air. The wind whips past her ears, through her hair; beside her she sees Asuka turning her head and smiling. Asuka extends a hand into the space between them, fingers outstretched.

They shoot past each other, swinging in opposite directions. Rei is seized by a sudden vision, of taking Asuka's hand, the shifting in their motion causing the swing set to topple. It's such a silly thing to be worried about- only Rei would worry about that. Asuka wouldn't pay it any mind; she'd grab Rei's hand if it was offered to her, consequences be damned.

Rei unfurls her fingers from around the chain and reaches for Asuka. Their fingers brush on the next pass, join on the one after that. Rei's swing jerks backward, and for a moment she thinks she was right to worry, expects to find herself falling- then her swing moves in tandem with Asuka's; Asuka is laughing, and Rei laughs along with her.

The swings, propelled now by the motion of two bodies instead of one, begin to climb close to the height of the bar overhead. Asuka drops Rei's hand to grip her chain; Rei extends her feet, slowing herself down. "Asuka!" she calls. "What are you doing?"

"I wanna jump off!" Asuka shouts back. She shoots past Rei, her face flushed with excitement; rockets backwards before Rei can get another word in. "I've always wanted to try this!"

"At least slow down," Rei says, but Asuka's already let go. For a moment she is borne through the air, supported by it, her hair flowing out behind her in streams of brilliant orange. Then she starts to fall; Rei sees the shift on her face, the excitement yielding to wariness. Asuka must have realized now how high she is, what Rei was concerned about before..

She hits the ground, rolls a few feet, lands flat on her back with the wind knocked out of her and woodchips clinging to her clothes and hair. Rei drags herself to a stop, even more woodchips piling the base of her swing as she leaps off, running over to where Asuka lies.

"Asuka!"

From where Rei is crouched over Asuka she can't see any blood, just the fragments of wood coating Asuka like she'd been doused in a shower of them. The rise and fall of her chest is evident, but her eyes are closed- Rei doesn't know what to make of it. Her hands clutch at Asuka's wrist, at her face, at her shoulders. "Asuka?" Rei says again, shaking her. "Asuka!"

Asuka sits up, sucks in a breath, and bursts into laughter. "Oh my god," she laughs, holding up her hands to ward off the angry hammering of Rei's palm against her arm. "Oh my god, I got you."

"Stupid!" Rei shoves Asuka's shoulder one last time, then sits with her back turned to Asuka, hands folded over her chest. "Don't do that to me!"

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to see..." Asuka's laughter tapers, ends with one final, raspy sound. "I'm sorry, Rei. Really."

"I should be mad at you for that." Rei turns her head slightly, just enough so Asuka can see the stern frown on her face. It's funny, in the larger sense, that after so many years spent worrying for Rei's well-being, Asuka's the one who jokes around with it. Rei will understand that later, but for now she glares, an obvious show of her disapproval.

"Rei..."

Asuka doesn't plead; she's far too proud for that. But if she did, Rei thinks, this is the closest to a plea that she will receive from Asuka. Rei sighs, gets to her feet, and offers a hand to Asuka. "You owe me," she says. "Ice cream will do it."

"Fair enough," Asuka replies.

Their hands connect. Rei hauls Asuka up, holding her at arm's length for a moment. She jerks Asuka toward her, kissing her just long enough for Asuka to realize what Rei is doing.

"Come on," Rei says. She does not relinquish her grasp on Asuka's hand as she heads for the edge of the park, guiding them towards the nearest ice cream shop she knows. "Rocky Road, right?"

"Actually? I was thinking bubblegum."

Rei squeezes Asuka's hand, gives her a shake of her head. "You're just saying that because bubblegum's my favorite, aren't you?"

"No, I really do want some right now." In spite of her confidence, the certainty of her voice, Asuka seems nervous. Her fingers twitch against Rei's, her lips curling into a puzzled frown. " _Na denn man tau_ ," she says softly.

"What?"

"It means 'let's go'. I remembered."

Asuka's fingers move again, tightening against the back of Rei's hand. In that motion Rei senses a question, maybe more than one. Would Kyoko be proud that Asuka remembered, would it matter to her that Asuka is so persistently clinging to her memory? Rei squeezes back- yes, she hopes Asuka will think, Kyoko would be proud, it would matter to her.

Asuka's hand relaxes in hers. Rei looks up. She can tell, from the smile on Asuka's face, that her message has been received in some way.

* * *

III

* * *

Of course this was all too good to last. Asuka doesn't remember the slow descent of her life into chaos, only her own arrival there. It's April; her parents are fighting like before; her homework is no longer something that can be put off over the weekend; Rei, the ever-constant presence, has been reduced to occasional appearances at school and the rare Saturday outing.

It's a Wednesday; the lunch bell has rung, and students are already shuffling from their classrooms to congregate at the tables, to gather under the shade. Rei, released from her class in the next hallway over, is no doubt waiting for Asuka to push her way through the stream of bodies and find her.

Asuka's feet scuff the carpet as she rounds the corner. Rei is there, but there's someone else with her, talking to her.

"Tai," Asuka says, her voice taking on the specific, pleasant-sounding note that to her and Rei will translate as _loser_. "Since when did you talk to Rei?"

"Since when did _she_ start hanging around for you?"

Contained in that single sentence is everything Asuka could possibly hate about the boys who pursue her, still, and Tai in particular. She's always thought his most annoying aspect is his voice- nasally, scratchy- or his eyes, constantly twitching. But no- it's his persistence. He won't leave until he has his answer, or until Asuka's taken a swing at him.

"If you hadn't noticed, _idiot_ , we've been friends since before high school. No wonder you're still stuck in geometry."

"Nah, something's different." Tai narrows his eyes, like he's squinting into the sun. Asuka follows their motion as they sweep from her to Rei and back, what might be a hint of realization dawning behind them- no, Tai couldn't figure it out. It took Shinji the better half of a week, and even then, he'd overheard Rei talking to Yui.

Rei shifts, blinks nervously. Asuka realizes now that Rei's been staring at her this entire time, and her legs freeze under her. "Get lost," she snaps, but it comes out as a child's frantic declaration, not like the command she'd hope it to be. "Lunch is only half an hour long, and I've already wasted ten percent of it on you."

Tai nods, not to Asuka but to himself. His eyes drift to Rei again. Rei's moved closer to Asuka; she clutches her wrist with her hand, holding it in front of her. Asuka sees everything unfurl in the moment before it does; sees Tai suck in a breath to proclaim his triumph, sees Rei take another small step back.

What Asuka is wrong about is what Tai says- she'd expected something different, something worse. But his mouth is open and moving; that stupid voice of his proclaims, to the hall and the three other students in it, "Rei likes you!" 

"Asuka..." Rei speaks for the first time, moving forward to seize Asuka's hand before she can leap at Tai. "Asuka, he's not worth it."

Asuka hisses out a sigh through clenched teeth, allows Rei to begin pulling her towards the doors. "He's an idiot," she grunts, her voice low so only Rei will hear.

"That's why he's not worth it."

From behind them comes Tai's voice, carrying through the hall and probably into the next one over. "Aw, look. She's holding your hand. The dyke's gotta keep her guard dog on a leash."

Asuka's hand slips out of Rei's. In the time it takes Rei to realize this and turn, Asuka's already covered half the distance down the hall. "That's it!" she roars, and jumps, her arms catching Tai around the shoulders and throwing them both to the ground.

They skid on the rug, a tangle of arms and legs; Asuka, above him, raises a fist and drives it down into Tai's arms, crossed over his face. "You take that back!" she shouts, and the rest is a blur of color and sound. Asuka rains down punches upon Tai's meager defense; his elbow connects with his face, and that brings a satisfied grin to hers. Then there are voices not her own, raised and drawing closer; footsteps, loud even against the carpet. Rei's voice is not one of them. Asuka cannot see Rei between the mess of arms reaching down to pull her away from Tai, and hopes Rei's wandered off, so she won't have to be dragged into this mess.

"Get a teacher!" someone, one of the people holding Asuka down, says. Asuka recognizes them all as boys from her year, and she wishes nothing more than to spit in their faces. As she'd thought, Rei is gone- hopefully not to get Shinji; that would be more embarrassing than whatever punishment is forthcoming.

The pressure on her limbs lets up. One of the teachers has come, drawn by the commotion, speaking phrases that Asuka's already committed to memory. Principal's office, fighting (again), detention. As she marches away, she sees Tai sit up, his lips oozing red onto the sleeves of his sweatshirt. She thinks, as she passes through the doors and out into the open, that she might have seen Rei, peering at her from behind a tree. Asuka smiles, just in case it was Rei, and also for herself. After all, someone had to punch Tai before they graduated.

* * *

There hasn't been any word from Asuka herself, but there are rumors. The most common one Rei's heard is that Asuka's been expelled- though more likely, she's been suspended. Tai has a bloody nose, Asuka will be gone for who knows how long, and Rei is left to wait for news of her with only her phone, which refuses to ring, and the fluttering sensation of hope dying in her chest.

What Rei is hoping for, she doesn't quite know. She'd hoped, as she and her family ate dinner, that maybe Shinji would know something she didn't. She hopes now that Asuka will text her, but the odds are that Asuka's already asleep, having burned herself out yelling at her parents.

Rei's hands curl around her phone and pull it close to her body. Maybe Asuka will text her first thing in the morning. There's no sense to her worrying; Asuka is probably fine, and they'll talk sometime soon.

She hopes.

She sits up, gazing out the window. Was this how Asuka felt, Rei wonders, when she decided to run away, this overwhelming need to be out in the fresh air and heading for somewhere that could ease the pressure in her chest? But in a sense she'd promised Asuka, on that night when Asuka came to find her, to leave the running away from home to her. Or possibly, maybe Asuka's already on her way.

Rei sighs, dangling her phone from her fingertips. Her thoughts refuse to be steered from any subject other than Asuka, and will no doubt linger into her sleep. Maybe she should call, rather than just wait for Asuka- and as she thinks this, the phone vibrates between her fingers.

She drops it onto the bed, startled by the sudden movement. It's not a call from Asuka, but a text, every word of it oozing exasperation. _Finally got my phone back_ , it reads. _Guess who took it. She forgot it when she left the house though._

It strikes Rei as strange that Asuka's stepmother would leave, especially in a situation such as this. It's yet another disruption of the order of things, and it makes Rei wonder. What else, before the week is over, will change?

_I'm suspended until next Monday_ , Asuka's next text says. _I'll be fine. Stay close to Shinji, yeah?_

Rei responds, _Okay. I will._ Her fingers linger over the keys. Should she tell Asuka she misses her? It might be too much; such an obvious thing, Rei thinks, is best left unsaid, especially when she won't be seeing Asuka at school for the rest of the week. _Do you want to talk?_

_It's okay. I'm tired. Just watch yourself while I'm not there._

_Alright. Good night._

Rei sets her phone to the side, stares at the lit screen until it dims down. She feels as though something more should be said, but whatever she sends now will be forced, an attempt to keep Asuka bound to a conversation that should be over. She's heard from Asuka- isn't that enough? No, Rei realizes, it isn't; she should have said that she missed Asuka before. Saying it now will sound too desperate, and the last thing she needs is Asuka getting into more trouble.

Paradoxically, what she needs now is Asuka.

Rei lies awake for a long while, considering this, wondering too if Asuka is doing the same, or if she's fallen asleep and is dreaming of happier things.

* * *

Asuka's bedroom is shrouded in light, a gentle white tinged with blue from the curtains, the first sign of early morning. Her phone, in its usual place by her nightstand, sings a song into the air. Asuka opens one eye- who would be calling her at ten in the morning?- and grabs for the phone, answering the call without looking at the screen.

She snaps, "What is it?"

"Asuka?" Rei's voice, quiet as always, emanates from the phone. "I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?"

"Don't you have school?"

"Well..." A pause. There's a crackling over the phone, like Rei's shuffling something around. "Not really."

Asuka sits up, stretches one arm towards the ceiling. "What's going on?"

"Can you come out?"

"Doubt it. My stepmom put duct tape on the outside of my window, and I'm pretty sure she got a sensor for the front door when she went out last night. Anyways, I'm suspended. I can't go to school."

Another pause, this one longer than the first. Asuka hears Rei inhale sharply, hints of laughter seeping through her tone. "What about your backyard?"

"Wait. You're- why are you in my backyard? Are you ditching?!"

"I thought you'd want some company."

"Rei, you realize if you do this it'll prove Tai's point about you liking me."

"You matter more. Now come on."

The call clicks off, leaving Asuka staring at her phone. It takes all of a moment for Asuka to leap off her bed, pulling from the closet the first things she sees. On goes her favorite red shirt, her shorts, her sweatshirt. She thunders down the hall with her feet half-tucked into her sneakers- fuck subtlety; her stepmother's already left for the day- and bounds through the back door at a run.

Rei, kneeling in the soil by the former garden, looks up. "Good morning," she says. The smile she greets Asuka with is immensely affectionate, like that's what's been cultivated in the garden rather than weeds.

"You know Yui's gonna kill you when she hears you ditched," sighs Asuka. "Are you gonna ditch tomorrow, too?"

"Let me worry about that. It's you I'm here for."

Asuka walks over to Rei's side, staring down into the clumped soil. Rei's been pulling out the weeds, throwing them to one side, where they lay stranded between the stones in the path. "Why are you doing that?"

"I don't know. I find it relaxing." Rei stands, dusting her hands on her jeans. Somehow, Asuka notes, her nails remain impeccably clean despite her digging in the dirt- that's Rei for you.

"How'd you even get here?" asks Asuka.

"Biked. I hid it up in the forest this time, in case your stepmother checked." Rei reaches down to Asuka's side, slides a hand into hers. "Let's take a walk."

Another reversal- this time, it's Rei who leads them as they hike into the woods. She follows the path they took before, past the tree they'd climbed, going higher into the hills. From this point, Asuka thinks, they might as well be climbing a mountain; the city below has blurred from individual buildings into a mass of grey and red, painted walls and brick-red shingles.

At one point, a little wisp of a cloud might have drifted past. It could be her imagination; it might not be. Rei is here in spite of everything, so anything is possible.

The two of them walk on with no destination in mind, though it seems as though Rei is leading them somewhere. Asuka squeezes her hand, draws a mildly curious glance.

"Hey," she says. "Rei. Your birthday's in two weeks. I don't know what to get you.

"I don't need anything, you know." Rei squeezes back, continues her slow ascent up the slope. "I have you."

"Just tell me something. I don't want to get you something stupid."

"Get me another book. Something you'd like."

"Hah," Asuka laughs. "I don't read outside of school. Don't you know that by now?"

"You should."

Hands still entwined, the pair pick their way between the trees, which are growing denser as they near what Asuka assumes is the highest point in the hills. She wonders if that's where Rei is headed, to see if they can find that place where they will tower over everything: the city, their troubles, that fear of the future.

"We've avoided it long enough, don't you think?" Asuka mumbles. "What we should be talking about."

"Which is?"

"Well... for starters, what did Tai say to you yesterday? When I saw you two together."

"He was asking what he could do to make you like him." The curve of Rei's mouth rises slightly into a smile, the kind that makes Asuka want to lean in and kiss it. "I told him he didn't have a chance."

"No one does when you're around." Asuka leans in, only to feel the touch of slender fingers upon her lips.

""Wait," Rei says. "Your stepmother. Does she know?"

"About us? Don't think so. Is it a problem?"

Asuka's question comes out clipped, and there's an edge to it that Rei hasn't heard from her in a while. She stops, slides one arm around Asuka's waist. It's a simple embrace, but she's hesitant to do anything more; Asuka, in this state, is easier to agitate than soothe.

"I'm sorry," Asuka mumbles, lifting her hand to slowly drag her fingers through Rei's hair. She dips her chin, pressing her lips to Rei's forehead. "I'm being stupid again, aren't I?"

"Shh. It's alright."

They disengage, resume walking up the hill. Asuka clings a little tighter to Rei's hand, like she fears it might slip away if she doesn't hold on well enough. "She doesn't know. All the school did was call and say I got suspended for fighting." Asuka grinds her teeth together, breathes sharply through her nose. There's no reason to be afraid, she tells herself. Her stepmother knows nothing of the incident beyond that simple fact. "It's a stupid suspension, anyway. He got what was coming to him. Shouldn't have been picking on you in the first place."

From the corner of her eye, Asuka sees Rei nodding. No doubt this is another of her shows of support, just like the joining of their hands and each of Rei's little smiles. She'll be there as long as Asuka needs her, until-

Until the next summer has come and gone, and they'll have to go to college. Asuka hasn't brought up the subject of where she's been accepted to; she's avoided that topic, as she's sure Rei has as well, to prolong the time in which she can imagine them being together past the coming season.

"Huh," Rei says, slowing to a stop. There's another sound now, besides Rei's footsteps and the rushing of the wind. Running just past the tips of Rei's shoes is a little stream, maybe a foot or two in width, flowing down further into the forest. Rei wanders after it, pulling Asuka with her, their apparent quest to find the highest point abandoned. Or, maybe this was what Rei was trying to find.

"You know how to find the way back, right?" Asuka asks. Once they've left the city, their only reference, behind them, there will only be trees and this stream to guide them back.

"I will. Don't worry."

"I won't. That's your job."

Rei laughs, and the stream beside them bubbles with her. "When you put it that way, I guess it is," she says. "By the way, Asuka. Did you get your acceptances yet?"

"Maybe. Did you?"

"Yep. Got in everywhere."

"Of course you did. Teacher's pet and all. You with your impeccable grades and personal library."

"And a good study partner, whenever you focused."

Asuka's cheeks flush red, and she staggers briefly in her stride. Rei just shakes her head, like she's expected this kind of a reaction.

"Where do you think you'll go?" Asuka asks.

"I don't know. Wherever you decide will be good. That's why I was asking."

"Was it really?"

"Maybe."

Asuka scoffs and rolls her eyes. Leave it to Rei to turn her own words back upon her- but since it's Rei, she doesn't really mind.

After several long moments, Rei stops again. They've come, rather suddenly, upon a clearing, or rather the stream has led them there. Here, nestled among the trees, is something that's neither a pond nor a lake, but something in between. Asuka can see from one shore to the other; the pool of water spans maybe ten yards in length, and yet Asuka cannot see the bottom from where she stands.

She steps forward, kicking pebbles into the water. "Huh," she says, her tone mimicking Rei's. "What's this?"

"Something," Rei says. She kneels, as she did in the garden, to scoop water up between her fingers. "Care for a swim, Asuka?"

"Rei, we didn't bring a spare change of clothes."

Rei rises, flicks her fingers at Asuka. Droplets of water fly from them to pelt her face. "Come on, Asuka," says Rei. "You got suspended for trying to punch someone's lights out, and you're going to let clothing stop you?"

"Well." Asuka folds her arms over her chest and sighs, eyeing the pool. The wind ripples across the surface, buffeting the shore with little waves. The sun reflects off the water, hiding whatever might be beneath it, but really- what could be under there? Fish? Small fish, maybe. Nothing Asuka can't handle, that's for certain.

Asuka grips the bottom of her sweatshirt and pulls it over her head in one motion, tossing it onto a nearby tree branch to hang. She slips out of her shoes and socks, then wades out into the water, arms extended to balance her as she treads the rocky floor. "It's not that bad," she says. "It's warm."

She turns, and Rei is behind her, sliding out of her jacket and hanging it on the same branch. "Is it warm, or are you just hot?" Rei asks.

"Hey!"

"Just kidding." Rei walks to the edge of the shore, dipping her toes in the water. "It isn't that bad at all."

"What, you don't believe me? Come here."

Asuka offers Rei a hand, watches as she takes it and slowly walks out after her. They press on until the water reaches their thighs, the biggest of the waves reaching up to lap at their joined hands. Rei turns her head slightly, meeting Asuka's eyes, and an understanding seems to pass between them. Why proceed cautiously when nothing has happened? Or, just maybe, some of Asuka's recklessness has rubbed off on Rei, and ditching class to climb into the hillside with Asuka has brought the rest of it out.

They release each other's hands, take a deep breath, and jump.

The water isn't truly that deep, maybe eight feet at most, but Asuka's clumsy descent makes it seem like so much more. She opens her eyes, blinking slowly, and sees Rei a few feet away, swimming towards the surface. Their gazes meet; Rei smiles, expelling a steady stream of bubbles from her mouth, then continues on. Asuka allows herself to sigh, to immerse herself in the warmth of this place that Rei has seemingly found for her.

Her feet touch the sandy floor, and Asuka pushes off on instinct. Was she meant to be suspended, she wonders as she travels upward, so she and Rei could be here to see this pool, the light filtering into it, to let it permeate them? Would it be too fantastical to think of that? No- because Rei is here.

In a moment she will surface, the water cascading over her head and the sun spilling from above, blinding her eyes. Her mouth will suck in more air than she can handle; she'll end up coughing most of it back in Rei's face, but it won't matter too much. Rei will be there, as she always has been- and so long as she is there, the world will be bearable, maybe even perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Another birthday present, this time for my amazingly inspirational Ba'buir. Asurei will Asurise!


End file.
